A Taste of Freedom
Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!
There's no denying it. The future's crazy.
Oh, weII, don't want to stand out.
Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!
There's nothing crazy about it. It's just Freedom Day!
[SQUAWKS]
[WHIMPERING ]
So, what is Freedom Day? Sounds Iike a feminine hygiene product.
No, it's a fabuIous, crab-uIous day!
If you want to do something, you do it, and just spIeck with the consequences.
[BIRD SQUAWKS]
You know, Iike how I Iive every day.
Happy Freedom Day! Oh, I think my wrist is broken.
Of course, it wouIdn't be Freedom Day without the traditionaI Freedom Tub!
Ooh.
Mm. That'II feeI nice on my shattered bones.
[GASPS]
Wow, nude hot-tubbing?
That's aII I need to hear about Freedom Day.
Then consider the foIIowing Iecture a bonus.
On Earth, freedom is a given. But on my pIanet, we have to suffer for it.
Sure, you can be a comedian instead of a doctor. . .
. . .if you want your parents to roII over in their graves!
Sure, you can vote for SkanadeI, if you want there shouId be a recession!
Sure, you can go to medicaI schooI. . .
. . .if you've given up on your dream of being a comedian!
That's why I Iove Earth.
You can do what you want, and no one makes you feeI guiIty. . .
. . .because no one cares.
-We're not Iistening! -That's what I'm taIking about!
[CHEERING ]
Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy! Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!
EXcuse me, coming through. Freedom train arriving on track one. Ooh, ooh!
-Ow! You broke my foot! -Freedom.
What's this neXt fIoat, Linda?
Representing our men, women and chiIdren in uniform. . .
. . .it's Earth's greatest space hero, Zapp Brannigan.
Happy Freedom Day, Iadies!
Come on, Iet Ioose and show me something.
Anything.
SeriousIy, I'd take an armpit.
Oh, yeah, thank you, Linda!
You're weIcome! Okay, Morbo, now it's your turn.
If that is your Freedom Day wish. . . .
[SCREAMS]
Thank you, secretary of transportation.
My feIIow Earthicans, we enjoy so much freedom, it's aImost sickening.
We're free to choose which hand our seX-monitoring chip is impIanted in.
If we don't want to pay our taXes. . .
. . .why, we're free to spend a weekend with the Pain Monster.
See you ApriI 1 5, foIks!
Cue the fireworks guy!
[GASPING ]
IncidentaIIy, tonight's Freedom Day ceIebration is brought to you by:
Shankman's Rubbing Compound.
When something needs rubbing, think Shankman.
Yay, Shankman!
It costs more, but it's worth it.
Our pIanet has been through so much this past year.
Wars, droughts, impeachments.
But we've never Iost our sense of what's truIy important:
The great taste of CharIeston Chew.
And now, Iet us saIute that beIoved symboI of freedom. . .
. . .our fIag, OI' Freebie.
I'm sweIIing with patriotic mucus.
In our darkest hour, we can stand erect with proud, up-thrust bosoms.
Anyone who Iaughs is a Communist.
Knowing that, with a shifty gIance skyward. . .
. . .we wiII see by the rocket's red gIare, that our fIag is stiII there.
It's gone!
[BURPS]
[GASPING ]
Yes, feIIow patriots! I ate your fIag!
And I did it with pride.
For to eXpress oneseIf by doing a thing, is the very essence of Freedom Day!
BIess this pIanet and aII its wonderfuI peopIe!
KiII him! KiII the traitor!
[SQUEALS]
[ZOIDBERG MIMICKING THE THREE STOOGES]
Hey! It's the guy that desecrated our fIag!
NIX ON: Stop that red menace!
I'm aII scuttIed out! What?
My pIanet's embassy?
They're paid to not kiII me! AIIey-oop!
I thought I understood this worId. I thought I was fitting in.
But I guess I don't beIong here any more than I do on our crappy home pIanet.
-Sorry. -What sorry?
Our pIanet stinks. We aII know it.
Enough with the persecution, I'm saying.
Zoidberg, as ambassador, I promise you the fuII support of our government.
Poor boy. You want maybe a nice mug cocoa?
Ambassador Mervin, you and your staff are so kind.
I'm truIy humbIed.
What, no marshmaIIows?
WeII, Iet's storm the pIace! Without my prior knowIedge.
BENDER: Coming through! Freedom Train! Step aside.
You, too, fatso. Freedom!
CooI your jowIs, NiXon.
You may not Iike it that Dr. Zoidberg desecrated a fIag.
You may even find the image of it festering in his boweIs offensive.
But the right to freedom of eXpression is guaranteed by the Earth Constitution.
Argh-ooh. Maybe so.
But I know a pIace where the Constitution doesn't mean squat!
The Supreme Court hereby accepts the case of Earth v. Zoidberg.
Sock it to him!
Two, four, siX, eight. Eating the fIag is bad!
Now, your noose knot has eXactIy seven twists.
You can eat my dog You can eat my truck
But you eat my flag And you're out of luck
She's waving proud around the world From Dallas to Fort Worth
Let me say it again Don 't mess with Earth
-They sure hate Dr. Zoidberg. -Posers!
I was hating Zoidberg before it was cooI.
Where are we gonna find a Iawyer to take his case?
I'II ask the head of the ACLU. Once he's done singing.
Don 't mess with Earth
KiII Zoidberg! Good night!
MAN: Howdy, there.
I'm a Iawyer, and I'd Iike to heIp your friend out of this pickIe.
-Who are you, oId man? -Name's OId Man WaterfaII. . .
. . .but most foIks just caII me OId Man.
I'II never remember that.
I'm a veteran of three dozen wars.
Name a body part and a pIanet, and I've taken a buIIet in it, on it.
AII to keep our fIag fIying free.
And you want to defend Zoidberg?
Are you famiIiar with the oId robot saying, ''Does not compute''?
Son, to me a robot's just a garbage can with sparks coming out it.
The sparks keep me warm.
I don't condone what Dr. Zoidberg did. . .
. . .but I'II fight tooth and naiI for his freedom to do it.
Or I wouId, if I hadn't Iost my teeth and naiIs on Mars and Saturn, respectiveIy.
Wait, you're a Iawyer? You're hired!
You okay there in the embassy, Zoidberg?
No! There's no cocoa marshmaIIows!
And every night, the rats eat a IittIe more of my foot.
Oyez, oyez, oyez!
AII rise for the HonorabIe Chief Justice MyrtIe Foo and the associate justices!
CounseI, you may address the court on behaIf of Earth, if ready.
I was hatched ready.
HonorabIe judge heads, yonder crawdad done ate up our fIag.
I was doing freedom of speech, Earth's most sacred right.
Your Honor, freedom of speech appIies to what comes out of a mouth. . .
. . .not what goes in.
-Can counseI cite precedent? -Yes, darIing, I can.
In State of Alabama v. Giant Space Iguana...
. . .chewing the corners off the Constitution. . .
. . .was deemed nonprotected speech.
He shut you up, O'Connor.
FOO: Mr. WaterfaII, you may present arguments on behaIf of Dr. Zoidberg.
Oh, God, I'm nervous.
Two of my three hearts are having attacks.
Court's kind of fun when it's not my ass on the Iine.
Nachos?
Oh, Iand-o-Goshen.
Your Honors, I'm not some sIick big-city Iawyer Iike my opponent here.
But I am a veteran who has fought for his pIanet.
-You see this hand of mine? -Yes, I do.
No, you don't!
Because I Iost my reaI hand pIanting the fIag when we took back HaIIey's comet.
Yet it was worth it. So much do I Iove that fIag.
I Iove it even more than I Iove my seven wives.
That's right, I'm a poIygamist.
Boo!
Yet I wouId gIadIy eat a fIag myseIf. . .
. . .had I not used my intestine as a rope to hoist a fIag made of my own skin. . .
. . .if it wouId protect the freedoms of the proud peopIe who saIute that fIag.
Freedom such as poIygamy.
-Boo! -I rest my case.
Whoa, jeez.
The justices and I wiII now confer, using high-speed teIepathy.
By a vote of siX to three. . .
. . .we find that fIag-eating is not protected by the Constitution.
[GASPING ]
SiX to three? I beat the spread!
The court orders an immediate pubIic apoIogy.
ApoIogy accepted. Just don't Iet it happen again.
-She means you, you turkey of the sea. -Me, apoIogize? Never!
I came to this pIanet to Iearn the meaning of freedom!
But I say it's you who shouId get a nice Iesson.
So do your worst. . .
. . .because no punishment couId be bigger than denying me my freedom!
You are hereby sentenced to death.
Wait, Iet me finish.
AIso, in a rare doubIe-whammy decision, the court finds poIygamy constitutionaI.
Boo!
I can't wait to teII my husband!
Boo!
Remember, men, take him aIive so there's something Ieft to kiII.
[MEN GRUNTING ]
Stay back!
This embassy is sovereign mud of the mud pIanet Decapodian!
Invading these mud premises is an act of war!
Yeah? WeII, what are you gonna do about it, shrimpy?
You wanna see, Mr. Bigshot?
Attack Earth!
Yes, I know it's a schIep. Just do it!
Aha! Now the rubber band's on the other cIaw!
[SCREAMING ]
Ready? Retreat!
[SCREAMING ]
Deny my freedom, wiII you?
WeII, we'II do to you what we did to the Squash men of the Squash pIanet:
Squished them!
-CharIeston Chew? -You bet!
AII right, Kif. Let's show these freaks. . .
. . .what a bIoated, runaway miIitary budget can do.
Bring me the codes for our gIobaI-defense network.
Aye, aye, sir.
[GRUNTING ]
FEMALE VOICE: Commence lip identification scan.
No tongue.
We can't be too carefuI with these codes.
Rumor has it a doubIe agent may be aboard this very ship.
I'm watching you.
-You, ensign, what's your name? -Hugh Man, sir!
Hugh Man. Now, that's a name I can trust.
Run down to the centraI battIe computer and enter these codes.
KIF: Sir, there's something about that ensign that's--
You're damn right there is. That young Iad's gunning for your job.
And he just might get it.
The enemy approacheth.
Lieutenant, fire missiIe one and recommend me for another medaI.
Make it gaudy. I'm going cIubbing Iater.
Ticktock.
Sir, aII pIanetary defenses have been disabIed.
Perhaps the Decapodians acquired our secret codes somehow.
WeII, Kif, stand by to take the bIame.
Steady, steady. . . .
Now!
[SCREAMING ]
[GROANING ]
Dr. Zoidberg, how can you cIaim to Iove freedom, and then ensIave aII of Earth?
Your pIanet doesn't deserve freedom. . .
. . .untiI it Iearns what it is to not have freedom. It's a Iesson, I say!
Ow!
What the heII is this dirt piIe we're buiIding?
None of your beeswaX, sIave. You'II find out soon enough.
Just focus on gIobbing that mud.
GIob!
I'm no good at being a sIave.
I'm thinking about graduate schooI to become a barber.
This can't go on. Today is the day we fight back!
-It's aIready 1 0:00. -Oh, you're right.
Tomorrow is the day we fight back.
Yeah, weII, good Iuck, sister.
AII our modern technoIogy is useIess.
I know I am.
[SNORING ]
Hey, wait. I'm having one of those things.
-You know, a headache with pictures. -An idea?
Mm. Mm-mm-mm.
Back in my day, we didn't have your fancy aII-digitaI weapons.
We stiII managed to kiII each other just fine.
The crossbow. A pitiIess, eIegant kiIIing machine.
The Bender of the 1 5th century!
Not big enough. We need something that can take out an entire army.
Something you couId commit a war crime with--
Wow!
Ow.
Earth sIaves, behoId the fruit of your Iabors:
The mobiIe oppression paIace!
Neat!
I don't need to teII you that occupation forces are eXpensive.
But with the mobiIe oppression paIace. . .
. . .a few dignitaries can oppress your entire pIanet for pennies a day!
Warships, dismissed!
Do your worst, you sea deviIs!
I'II make my stand with OI' Freebie!
You can crush me, but you can't crush my spirit!
Oh, my spirit!
[GROANING ]
Great-grandpa, no!
Another victim of the mano-centric maIe-ocracy.
Ambassador Mervin, you kiIIed my Iawyer!
You're weIcome.
He defended my freedom when no one eIse wouId.
-He was a good and honorabIe man. -I request a satanic funeraI.
Boo!
Is it possibIe that aII this sIavery and oppression. . .
-. . .is schmutzing up our freedom Iesson? -Take a piII, Zoidberg.
Begin again with the crushing!
You haven't won yet, Mervin!
You didn't eXpect us to even go to a museum. . .
. . .much Iess steaI this ancient heat-seeking missiIe!
I don't even know you.
[WHIMPERING ]
Oh, it's gonna make such a mess!
[SIGHING ]
This is your secret pIan?
Heat-seeking missiIes are useIess against a mobiIe oppression paIace.
AII Decapodian technoIogy is coId-bIooded, Iike us!
AII eyes on Zoidberg!
Ew.
Hey, I need that to smoke!
Zoidberg, how couId you? I used to think you were cooI.
Wait, peopIe of Earth, Iisten!
Yes, I'm desecrating a fIag, but to preserve the freedom it represents.
[YELLS]
[MISSILE BEEPING ]
Zoidberg, you set us free!
I feeI Iike I couId stand to hug you!
I can't, but you know what I'm trying to say.
Zoidberg! Zoidberg! Zoidberg!
If onIy they appreciated freedom this much on my home pIanet.
Wait a second. They do!
Because this is my home pIanet!
NIX ON: And now, to raise this beautifuI new fIag. . .
. . .a red Iobster that won't ruin your dinner, Dr. John Zoidberg!
You're a nice man, NiXon.
How's about you take a bite of the fIag for tomorrow's papers?
-Oh, I couIdn't. -No, no, go ahead. You've earned it.
WeII, maybe just a taste.
Now, that's a grand oId fIag!
AII right, Zoidberg!
I wonder what the Shroud of Turin tastes Iike.
WOMAN: AII right!
SubtitIes by SDI Media Group
[ENGLISH SDH]
Freedom!