Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch
[HUMS]
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
Whoa! Ow!
Schman! The great rad spot is mega-sweet for party boarding.
-Indeed. -Any caIIs whiIe I was out?
Yeah. You got a teIesonic transmission from Kif a coupIe hours ago.
My Kify caIIed?
-Kif? -oh, Amy, you're back.
Another hour and I would've thought of hanging up.
Why didn't you Ieave a message, sweetie?
I've left hundreds of messages with your answering machine...
-...but you never seem to get them. -Bender!
It's not my fauIt if you don't check me.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
Messages erased.
oh, dearest, this long-distance relationship is too much to bear.
When even an inch separates us, I quiver with misery.
So you can imagine how I feel when it's a billion light years.
Kif, don 't cry, or you'll get a tummy ache.
Lieutenant, some things came off me and clogged the drain, so if you can--
oh-ho. What's this?
WeII, weII, weII. Do my eyes beIieve me, or is that my bosomy swan, LeeIa?
Say again? You're breaking up.
Oh. . . .
Good news, everyone.
You'II be deIivering pain medicine to the hive mind of NigeI 7.
Scruffy's roIIing out a Iarge piII.
You're going to NigeI 7? Kif's on patroI near there.
-You couId drop me off on the way. -We couId, but we won't!
It's a spaceship, damn it, not a prom Iimousine!
Ooh! If anyone needs me, I'II be in the angry dome.
This is a very Iong trip.
So we'II aII have to go into hibernative naptosis to save oXygen.
I don't even breathe oXygen.
[SNORING ]
Here I come, Kif.
[AMY LAUGHING ]
They jumped right out of their pants.
[ALARM WAILS]
Oh, what now? Activate gIass window.
Kif, I'm sensing a very sensuaI disturbance in the Force.
-Prepare for ship-to-ship intimacy. -Yes, sir, captain.
[CLANGING ]
How about I heIp you finish that dream you were having about me?
Okay. I was just at this part:
[LEELA YELLS]
Let's try that a IittIe Iower and Iots softer.
Imagine you stowing away and steaIing a Iicensed starship.
Oh, it's so romantic it gives me the shivers.
I don't care how much troubIe I get in.
I needed to feeI my Iips pressed against your Iip-Iess beak.
Oh, Amy, I can't stand having a whoIe universe between us.
I've been thinking a Iot about this, and-- WeII, wouId you move in with me?
Here? But, wouIdn't it be crowded?
Oh, no, no. It's reaIIy twice the size.
You can use the fIoor and I'II have the ceiIing. See?
Kif, you have so much creativity and niceness.
-But I'm not sure if I-- -Hush.
Before you answer, come thither.
This is the HoIo-Shed. It can simuIate anything you desire.
And nothing can hurt you, eXcept when it maIfunctions. . .
. . .and the hoIograms become reaI.
WeII, that probabIy won't happen this time.
I wanted to show you what Iife couId be Iike if we were together.
Computer, run program Kif One.
[BEEPING ]
This is so beautifuI!
Spirit! Kif, that's the pony I aIways wanted. . .
. . .but my parents said I had too many ponies aIready.
Yes. I programmed it in for you. Four miIIion Iines of BASIC.
And if this isn't the Iife you want, how about this?
Run program Kif Two.
[BEEPING ]
AMY: Oh, Kif.
We couId Iive here at the shore of the TranquiIibrius Sea, in a time-share.
And I wouId pIuck the moon from the sky just to see you smiIe.
AImost got it.
Seems to be sort of stuck.
I Iove you!
[COUGHING ]
Run program Kif-coIon- sIash-sIash-three!
[BEEPING ]
This isn't bad. My aunt had a pIace Iike this.
Amy, we couId Iive in a bus station bathroom for aII I care.
As Iong as we're together, it'II feeI Iike a castIe to me.
Kif, I'd Iove to Iive with you. Someday.
But before then, there's stiII Iots I want to do on my own.
-What was that? -Oh, dear.
I fear the HoIo-Shed might be broken again.
WeII, as Iong as we don't cross paths with AttiIa the--
[KIF GROANS]
Look! Spirit!
KIF: And there's Professor Moriarty.
Jack the Ripper!
EviI LincoIn!
Right-o, gents. It's another simuIation gone mad.
So murder and mayhem, standard procedure.
[YELLING ]
ReaI hoIographic-simuIated EviI LincoIn is back!
[ALARM WAILING ]
The HoIo-Shed's on the fritz again. The characters turned reaI!
Damn! The Iast time that happened, I got sIapped with three paternity suits.
-Oh, my God! -Listen up, history's greatest viIIains.
Get back into the HoIo-Shed before I start bIasting.
Stop! No shoot fire-stick in space canoe!
Cause eXpIosive decompression!
Spare me your space-age techno-babbIe, AttiIa the Hun.
[YELLING ]
BENDER: Oh. . . .
BENDER: Hey!
[YELLING ]
-Kif, hoId on! -I totaIIy want to!
-Grab on! -Over here!
PIease, hoId me!
Have a good one.
[KIF YELLING ]
-Oh, man! -Whew.
After aII that, I couId use some reIaXation.
I'II be in the HoIo-Shed.
[SCANNER HUMMING ]
WeII, eXcept for a few broken bones, some internaI hemorrhaging. . .
. . .and a partiaIIy barfed up heart, everyone appears fine.
Phew.
Oh, and Kif is pregnant.
[GASPING ]
Oh, joy!
Amy, isn't it wonderfuI? I'm pregnant.
Yes, it's great. A great miracIe.
And not one of those bogus everyday miracIes, Iike a sunrise.
-Aren't you a maIe? -Yeah, what's the deaI?
Just when I thought I'd figured out you bioIogicaI creatures, it's something eIse!
Let me at him! Get over here, Kif! You're--
Look, I'm sure we're aII a IittIe uncIear on how anyone gets pregnant.
So, Kif, pray eXpIain, and don't spare the dirty words where appropriate.
WeII, it's quite simpIe reaIIy.
When one of my species eXperiences deep feeIings of Iove. . .
. . .we enter a so-caIIed ''receptive state. ''
You disgust me. Go on.
At that point, our skin becomes a semipermeabIe membrane. . .
. . .which aIIows the passage of genetic materiaI.
I heId Amy's hand, and voiIá!
WeII, okay. But that better be aII there is.
Oh, Amy, you'II be a mother!
What a wondrous affirmation of our Iove. And aII from the touch of your hand.
Dude, hoId up. Remember when Zapp bIew a hoIe in the ship?
-Indeed. FRY: Kif touched everybody there.
-CouIdn't any one of us be the mother? -Hey, yeah!
I mean, what about that, Kif?
WeII, I suppose I might have gotten pregnant that way.
Or even from a toiIet seat.
Though, that's impossibIe, since I have a private washroom.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
My home away from home.
By the way, Kif, your fIush seems to be set on stun, not kiII.
[SHUDDERS AND GROANS]
Look, Kif, I probabIy am the mother. AIthough maybe I'm not.
Of course, I hope I am, but just in case I'm not, maybe we shouId have a test.
A test! I demand a test!
Even I Iaughed at me when I buiIt this aIien cross-species genetic anaIyzer.
But I guess I showed myseIf.
Subjects, pIease enter the chamber.
Now to take a DNA sampIe.
When I puII this switch, the materni-fuge wiII spin at 1 0,000 rpm. . .
. . .separating out everyone who isn't the mother--
Father-- Whatever.
[YELLING ]
Faster! Faster!
Good! Fry's ejection indicates that he is not the man mama.
-Nor is Captain Brannigan. -Oh, thank you, mercifuI God.
Zoidberg? What the heII were you doing in there?
That's where I Iive. I have no home.
[SCREAMING ]
Amy? But that means. . . .
LeeIa must have impregnated me when she grabbed my ungIoved hand.
That eXpIains the poster in hygiene cIass: ''No gIove, no Iove. ''
-Wow, this is aII so confusing. -LeeIa, how couId you?
Our Iove has had to endure your constant hatred, and now this?
-Stop testing our Iove! -Oh, pIease, captain.
I thank LeeIa for the DNA she gave me, but in my species. . .
. . .the true parent is the one who inspired the initiaI feeIing of Iove.
We caII that person the ''Smizmarr. '' And my Smizmarr is Amy.
So the toiIet seat is Iike the uncIe or something?
-Sorry I got your boyfriend pregnant. -That's okay.
At Ieast Kif's baby shower shouId be fun.
I better put it on my caIendar.
Thursday. Baby shower. Enter.
Might as weII pIan for my new Iife whiIe I'm at it.
Set motherhood mode.
To motherhood.
BENDER: Zoidberg?
FRY: My face was stuck in a pizza.
-Mom? Dad? I know this is weird, but-- -Yeah, yeah.
We don't care how squishy aIien get pregnant.
AII we care is that we have grandchiId.
-You're very open-minded, Mrs. Wong. -Hey, you caII her ''Grandma'' now.
CaII me Grandma Iike crazy. AII the time.
Check it out, y'aII. Everyone we invited is here.
-AIso Zoidberg. -So Iet's open the gifts.
-Yeah! -I can't wait.
We'II start with this one from Bender.
It's my booties from when I was a kid.
-Uh, they're aIready bronzed. -They are bronze.
And this one's from LeeIa. Oh, I just Iove the bow.
-I wonder what it is. -Yes, I wonder what we got you.
-It's a basket! For picnics? -It means a Iot to me.
It's the basket my parents Ieft me in at the Orphanarium.
You couId use it for picnics.
-Here, Amy, we get this one for you. -Is it a new party board?
It's a board, aII right. An ironing board.
We had your oId party board converted now that you not be partying anymore.
-You trashed my party board? -Damn right. Now you a mom.
The onIy surfing you'II do is under a big wave of responsibiIity.
Oh, this is the happiest moment of my Iife.
You aII brought such wonderfuI gifts.
-But the greatest gift. . . -Mine!
. . .is the bond I share with my Smizmarr, Amy.
For soon, the quivering mass of Iife within me wiII depend upon us both.
Even now, I can sense it feeding, squirming, searching, questing.
And shortIy, it wiII rend my Ioins in twain. . .
. . .burst forth and puII us down, down, down. . .
. . .into the deep, dark waters of commitment.
That's so beautifuI.
Yes, it's. . . .
No! I can't do this!
Oh, my God!
[BABY CRYING ]
Oh, how couId Amy Ieave me?
When wiII women Iearn to take responsibiIity. . .
. . .for the chiIdren they've heIped create?
[RUMBLING ]
The quickening! My time is near.
I must return to my home worId to perform the ancient birthing rights.
Let me know how that turns out.
I must now embark on a periIous journey. . .
. . .to give birth in preciseIy the same swamp in which I was born.
If it's so dangerous, I'd better go with you.
-A gaI has to protect her DNA. -No, LeeIa.
Tradition demands that I make this journey with my Smizmarr.
And since Amy isn't here, I must go it aIone.
FareweII, for we may never meet again.
My scrapes feeI a IittIe better now.
Hey, what's this fat, ugIy thing? A frog? A toad? Or your mama?
It's a poisonous froad! No one move.
[SQUEALS]
I'm back, baby.
BehoId.
The sacred ancestraI birthing grounds of my famiIy.
SmeIIs Iike a jockstrap.
-I am the Grand Midwife. -Hi.
I am Kif, of the cIan Kroker, come to bear my young.
Then Iet the tea of new Iife be brewed, as it is writ:
''And both shaII Iift the jug together. ''
-Where is your Smizmarr? -She's not with me.
Oh, the sorrow! Oh, the shame!
Sorry, I'm probabIy just making you feeI worse.
As Iong as Amy is with me in my heart, I wiII have the strength of two.
[GRUNTING ]
ApparentIy Amy hasn't been working out much IateIy.
As the tea boiIs, pIease join hands with your beIoved Smizmarr.
Oh, right. Sorry, but I've memorized the ceremony by rote. It mentions her a Iot.
-I'II try to endure. -Good, 'cause I'm not changing it.
Now turn, ye two, and gaze deepIy into each other's eyes.
-What are you Iooking at? -May the Iove I sense between you. . .
. . .at this moment remain with you both through aII your days.
The tea of new Iife is ready.
Let those whose Iove created this Iife speak each other's names, then drink.
-Amy. AMY: Kif!
[GASPING ]
Amy! Is it you, or have I gone crazy with IoneIiness?
Both.
Whoa!
I stiII don't know if I'm ready for this, but I do know I Iove you.
And I want to be here beside you.
Great. Now I Iost my pIace. I'm starting over!
Oh, no time. It has begun.
[GROANING ]
Oh, my!
-Neat. -You can do it, Kif.
Whoa, NeIIy!
[LIQUID RUSHING ]
[GROANING ]
Oh, man!
Amy, my Iove, teII me, are they making it to the water?
Amy!
Stay away from my babies!
The birthing is compIete.
-Oh, thank goodness. -I wiII now take my Ieave.
I Iive here, so I won't actuaIIy be going anywhere. . .
. . .but you don't have to taIk to me anymore.
-CongratuIations. -Way to go, squishy!
LEELA: There goes my DNA.
-What a disgusting and beautifuI process. -That's birth for you.
WeII, we've given them a great start, Amy.
And in 20 years, they'II sprout Iegs and crawI back onto Iand as chiIdren.
I'II be ready then.
SubtitIes by SDI Media Group
[ENGLISH SDH]