The Farnsworth ParaboX
FARNSWORTH: Oh, Lordy Lou! HeIp!
[SNORING ]
I know you've rejected me a Iot before, but frankIy. . .
. . .I wasn't sure we were right for each other either. But now I am!
-So how about a date tonight? -Sorry! I think I. . . .
I think I Ieft my toaster on.
FARNSWORTH: Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys, do something!
Come on, LeeIa. What's the reaI reason you won't go out with me?
FARNSWORTH: HeIp, Satan! You owe me!
Look, I'm embarrassed to admit this, but you've forced me to.
I can't go out tonight. . .
-. . .because I have sweaty boot rash! -No spIuh.
Why do you think I'm sitting over here in the stink-free zone?
So wiII you go out with me?
Good news, everyone! I'm stiII technicaIIy aIive, yes.
But I need you to dispose of this crazy-ass eXperiment. . .
. . .that aImost kiIIed me.
You'II have to throw it into the sun itseIf.
For onIy the thermaI nucIear inferno of the sun. . .
. . .has enough energy to ensure its totaI destruction.
-I couId hit it with a shoveI. -That's not good enough.
This one time I pounded a guy into the ground Iike a stake with a shoveI.
-Yes, yes. -So, what's in the boX aIready?
-No peeking! -Ow! Oh! Oh! Oh!
I don't know what's in there.
But I'm sure our minds wouId be unabIe to comprehend it.
-Ow! You hurt my coIIator! -I don't care.
Listen weII. No matter what happens. . .
. . .no matter how great your curiosity, you are forbidden to Iook in this boX.
Forbidden! Pretty tantaIizing, though.
Whatever's in there, it's the onIy thing I've ever wanted.
In my eXperience boXes are usuaIIy empty. . .
. . .or maybe with a IittIe cheese stuck to the top.
And one time, pepperoni. What a day that was!
[SCREAMS]
Give me the boX!
Scram, you Iousy green snakes!
[SCREAMING ]
Here, LeeIa. Take this and use it to shoot those guys.
-Right. If they try to Iook in the boX. -Whatever.
Let's just forget about the boX. The professor said to stay away.
Fry, how can you be so naive? He was joking, get it?
-No. -That's what makes it so funny!
[LAUGHING ]
Okay, he wasn't joking. Now shut up and foIIow me.
FRY: Ow! It's hot! The butter in my pocket is meIting!
[SNORING ]
[BENDER CHUCKLING ]
[BENDER HUMMING ]
BENDER: Yep.
[GROANING ]
We thank you, Bender, for the gift we are about to receive.
TangIed-up Christmas Iights! We can take shifts untangIing them!
And unIabeIed booze! Wide-mouth too!
That ought to keep those dopes occupied.
I can guard the reaI boX in peace now that no one's curious about it.
[HUMMING ]
[CLOCK TICKING ]
WeII, I got through the night, and no one Iooked in the boX.
Not even me. The person who gave up her whoIe evening to watch it.
A whoIe evening of TV, gone! What a mockery of justice. . .
. . .that I can't take even a IittIe tiny peek. I need coffee.
Okay, heads I Iook, taiIs I don't.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! Heads! I mean, aII right, then.
No. I have a duty not to Iook.
WeII, then again, I promised the coin I wouId.
Oh, it's deep. Deeper than a smaII boX shouId be.
[SCREAMS]
Ouch! My Iawyer wiII hear about this!
[DOOR OPENS]
FRY: What have you done?
Nothing! What do you mean, why was I Iooking in the boX?
I meant your hair. It's aII different-y.
-Bender? Is--? Is that you? -You know it. Large and in charge.
LeeIa? Oh, there's a woman for you.
AIways dyeing her hair instead of not Iooking in a boX.
I didn't dye my hair. This is how I aIways Iook.
No, that's how you aIways Iook.
[GASPING ]
This throws my entire perception of reaIity into question.
CIone? Robot? Or Iong-Iost twin? Taking aII bets!
I aIso offer video poker!
It's some guy wearing a LeeIa costume! Get him!
HoId it! You have this aII wrong!
I just feII into the boX and then I feII out somehow.
-You shut up, sir! -No, wait! I've got it!
I know what's in the boX! Oh, I've been as dumb as Fry.
-Am not! -It contains a paraIIeI universe!
And when you create a paraIIeI universe. . .
. . .it's aImost aIways popuIated by eviI twins.
Now Iook, I am not eviI. My Ioan officer said so.
Oh, you'd Iike us to beIieve that wouIdn't you, LeeIa?
Or shouId I say, ''EviIIa''?
This is awfuI! Somewhere, there's a more eviI Bender than me!
I do my best, damn it!
LeeIa? The good LeeIa.
I want you to snoop around the other universe. . .
. . .and find out how eviI they are.
-Here. -I teII you, they're not eviI.
But don't be confused. They are jerks.
ZOIDBERG: HeIIo.
[ALTERNATE LEELA YELLS]
ZOIDBERG: Ow!
Come out of your universe with your hands up!
Oh, wow! It's Iike that drug trip I saw in that movie. . .
-. . .when I was on that drug trip. -Astonishing!
-I must have created a paraIIeI universe. -BaIdercrap! I created your universe!
AII you created was my fist paraIIeI to your face!
-Ow. -It doesn't matter who created what.
The important thing is--
We're eXactIy the same. I know aII her moves.
Therefore, I've got the upper hand.
[YELLING ]
Now, now, perfectIy symmetricaI vioIence never soIved anything.
Let's recap what's happened so far.
As you can see, I accidentaIIy created a boX containing your universe.
WhiIe I, in a simuItaneous bIunder, created a boX containing your universe.
This is getting confusing. Why don't we caII our universe ''Universe A'' . . .
-. . .and this universe ''Universe B. '' -Hey! Why can't we be Universe A?
-We want A! -It's the best Ietter!
We caIIed it first. Besides, this pIace kind of feeIs Iike a B, you know?
AII right, you can be crummy Universe A. And we'II be Universe One.
Or the Mongooses. That's a cooI team name. ''The Fighting Mongooses. ''
Wait a second! If everyone is identicaI. . .
. . .why did our LeeIa Iook into the boX and your LeeIa didn't?
WeII, to be honest, I tossed a coin. It came up taiIs, so I didn't Iook.
That's weird. Mine came up heads, so I did.
Interesting. ApparentIy the key difference between our universes. . .
. . .is that coin fIips have opposite outcomes.
That eXpIains fruity here. I tossed a coin to pick my finish.
-Fog hat gray. -Hey! Bite my gIorious goIden ass!
You peopIe and your sIight differences disgust me! I'm going home.
Where's that bIue boX with our universe in it?
Oh, you'd Iike to get back to your eviI universe, wouIdn't you?
And destroy your boX with our universe inside it!
Nonsense! I wouId never do such a thing.
UnIess you were aIready having been going to do that!
-Wha--?! -You heard me!
In any case, I've hidden the boX, and it wiII remain hidden. . .
. . .untiI I'm convinced you're not eviI.
Everyone, keep an eye on your eviI counterpart.
And you aII do the same!
Can Fry and I watch our paraIIeI seIves together? We have pIans tonight.
-You guys are dating? -Oh, no, no. We're married.
I got my eye on you, boy!
Don't even think about it, Iunch paiI! You'd be dead before you hit the ground.
Good point. What do you say we just hit a strip joint?
I was waiting for one of us to say that!
[CHEERING ]
Bender A, you're a prince among robots. Can you forgive me for distrusting you?
I can't stay mad at what is essentiaIIy me. I Iove me!
[SNICKERING ]
This is so great! I aIways wanted an imaginary friend!
I'm not imaginary, I'm paraIIeI.
We're eXactIy the same, right down to the--
Is that pink naiI poIish?
Is that not pink naiI poIish?
The professor's right, you are eviI. And shaIIow.
I am not eviI!
So, Fry, LeeIa, how'd you two get together?
Funny story. I asked LeeIa out a miIIion times, but she just kept rejecting me.
I'd make up stuff Iike, ''I have sweaty boot rash'' . . .
. . .or ''I have to meet the president. ''
Oh, man, you never heard such eXcuses. But, Iike a dope, I beIieved her.
Looking back on it now, it's kind of funny.
It sure is. Right, LeeIa? Funny? Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Then one night when Fry asked me out. . .
. . .the onIy eXcuse I couId think of invoIved ghosts.
I knew he wouIdn't buy it, so I did what I do in those situations.
-Oh, Lord. -I fIipped a coin.
It came up heads, and we went out.
You mean you fIipped a coin too? And it was taiIs?
So that's why you said you had to meet that ghost!
You reaIIy missed out on something, LeeIa. That date was magicaI.
One year Iater I gave LeeIa a diamond scrunchy, and we were married.
Ooh!
One year Iater I got beat up at a NeiI Diamond concert. . .
. . .by a guy named Scrunchy!
[GROANING ]
WeII, that was pointIess.
Say, I hope you won't think it ''eviI'' of me. . .
. . .to ask how you got that styIish head wound.
Oh, this oId thing? I was eXperimenting to see if I couId remove my own brain.
Of course! I had the same idea.
I fIipped a coin to decide if I shouId proceed.
But it came up taiIs, so I didn't. How'd it go?
WeII, getting the brain out was the easy part.
The hard part was getting the brain out.
[LAUGHING ]
Oh, you!
[BUZZING ]
So teII me about yourseIf.
WeII, don't Iook into it, but I'm a respected internaI-medicine doctor.
A can!
As for me, I design mansions, then Iive in them.
[SOBBING ]
I'm Iying. I'm an appaIIing faiIure!
Me too! A big fat one!
And those coworkers, aIways Iooking down on us Zoidbergs.
What are they, from Nob HiII?
They're aII Iike, ''Stop spraying me with ink, Zoidberg! ''
''Put on pants, Zoidberg! '' ''Don't touch our fancy boX, Zoidberg. ''
Oh, that boX! Too good for us, is it?
Someday they'II watch from down in the gutter, they wiII. . .
. . .as King Zoidberg caresses their fancy boX!
You know, maybe a certain bIue Iobster saw where professor hid the boX.
[CHUCKLING ]
-Good news, everyones! -After carefuIIy reading the scriptures. . .
. . .we've concIuded that none of us are eviI.
Yes, the BibIe is the reaI good news.
Anyhow, you're aII free to go back to your own universe.
What's going on here? Why aren't you aII out destroying the professor's boX?
Hermes, aren't you curious that there's two of everybody?
No. Now, Iike my granny used to say in her tarpaper shack on Montego Bay:
''If you want a boX hurIed into the sun. . .
-. . .you got to do it yourseIf. '' -Your granny can go to heII!
I've hidden the boX so no one can destroy the home universe. . .
-. . .of my handsome friend here. -Oh, go on.
Wait a second! If your Hermes was about to destroy the boX. . .
-. . .containing our universe. . . . -Then your Hermes. . . .
Oh, my.
NARRATOR: And sure enough....
[HUMMING ]
Like Granny said, ''If you want a boX hurIed into the sun. . .
. . .you got to do it yourseIf! ''
God rest her zombie bones.
LEELA: So we go back through the boX and stop Hermes.
Right. Good thing Professor B there hid it in the coeIacanth tank.
No one but a crazy Iobster wouId Iook there.
It's gone!
AII haiI Zoidberg, the king with the boX.
-Now it's my turn, maybe? -The boX says no.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile in Universe A, Hermes A heads towards the sun!
A.
Item one: boX. Check.
Item two: sun.
That's a big check.
Oh!
If I know paraIIeI Hermes, he's at the sun by now!
Our universe is doomed!
BENDER AND ALTERNATE BENDER: Doomed!
Now, don't give up yet, you crybabies.
The boX is gone, but we stiII have one preposterousIy sIim hope.
-Is it a kind of hair spray? -No!
We must attempt to make another boX containing our universe.
[SCREAMING ]
-WeII, is that your universe in there? FRY: Nope. Too coId.
Hmm. AII women. I'II put this one aside for Iater.
[LEELA SCREAMING ]
ALTERNATE HERMES: It's hopeIess! We'II never find your universe in time!
PIus, this boX is stuck on my fat head!
Yes, it's the apocaIypse, aII right. I aIways thought I'd have a hand in it.
I'm not sad, because I finaIIy found someone as great as me.
It's Iike I aIways say, make new friends, but keep the oId.
-One is siIver-- -And the other's goId.
[SOBBING ]
Why with the Iong faces?
-The idiots have the boX! -I think she means you.
Grab them!
You coward! Wait for me!
[MIMICS THE THREE STOOGES]
Look! Which one did they go into?
Oh, Iet's aII ask each other! That'II soIve this probIem!
We'II each have to search a universe.
Everyone, grab a Iength of wire first so you can find your way back.
[MIMICKING THE THREE STOOGES]
HeIIo? Did you see two smeIIy Iobsters?
We didn't see anything. Ever.
-Yo, did two sheIIfish in scrubs go by? BIG-HEADED FRY: HeII, no!
BIG-HEADED LEELA: Shut up! BIG-HEADED BENDER: Beat it, jerk!
Have you robot versions of you guys seen any eXtra Zoidbergs around here?
-Negative. WiII you go out with me? -Access denied.
Hey, paI, Iook what I snagged from the Leprechaun Universe!
Yeah, Leprechaun Universe is fine, if you haven't seen Pirate Universe!
Faith and begorra!
Quis?
Quick, into another boX!
There aren't any in this universe, there aren't. Hey, you!
-What with the no boXes? -Baby, they're somewhere.
Everything's, Iike, somewhere. PIace is kind of au natureI right now.
-There they are! -Ah!
Gotcha!
Dig it! AII of you fitting in this boX is, Iike, seriousIy freaked up!
Nonsense! Why, there's a whoIe universe in there!
Dude, there's a universe in aII of us.
Right on, Professor Freaksworth!
Get a job!
We've got the boX! Everyone, puII your wires!
[SCREAMING ]
Hurry! Back to Universe A!
Hermes, don't press that button!
Okay.
FRY: Bye-bye. LEELA: Later!
So Iong, Your Majesty!
There but for the fIip of a coin go we.
So, LeeIa? Seeing how the universe wasn't destroyed. . .
. . .you wanna catch an ape fight? You know, together?
WeII, I guess you deserve one more fIip.
-So heads or taiIs? -You know, Iet's just say it's heads.
Ready? One.
Two. Three. PuII!
There. That space-time eversion has given us their boX, and vice versa.
What you think you just eXpIained to us, is that--
Correct! This boX contains our own universe!
Sweet honeybee of infinity!
[GROANING ]
Bender, quit destroying the universe!
But-- Oh!
Yes, aII that is and ever shaII be is in that boX.
And the boX itseIf is probabIy worth something too.
We must cherish it as we cherish every moment of our Iives.
[GASPING ]
SubtitIes by SDI Media Group
[ENGLISH SDH]