Three Hundred Big Boys
MAN: This Week in the Universe.
Dateline, Tarantulon 6.
The brave warriors of Earth...
...under the command of Gen. Maj. Webelo Zapp Brannigan...
...have achieved victory over the spider homeworld.
And to the victor belong the spoils.
one trillion dollars in silken treasure.
[MOANS]
My fellow Earthicans, after meeting with top voodoo economists...
...I have decided to refund our silk surplus to you, the taxpayers.
That's right, I've sent you each 300 buckaroos...
...in the form of a Tricky Dick Fun Bill. Knock yourselves out!
[CHEERING ]
I'm sIightIy richer!
BENDER: What to do, what to do?
One $300 hooker-bot or 300 $ 1 hooker-bots?
I'm gonna swim with a whaIe.
-They're the gentIe giants of the deep. -I'm weII aware of that.
Scruffy's gonna get himseIf one of them $300 haircuts.
This one's Iost its pizzazz.
A fortune, it is.
At Iast, Zoidberg wiII Iive Iike a rich man!
Hey, cut it out. Go away. Get away from me.
It's just 300 bucks. What is that, Iike 1 00 cups of coffee?
That's it! I'm getting 1 00 cups of coffee, starting now.
Coffee machine, one cup of coffee, pIease.
SmeIIs good.
-Leela, are you there? -No.
oh, yes, you are. I'm hereby inviting you and your oddball coworkers...
... to a special reception to display the national silk surplus.
I believe you know the heroic space stallion who captured it.
Show them my medal, Kif.
He rented it with his tax refund.
So, Leela, will you have the pleasure?
What IittIe there is to be had.
Tomorrow night at 8, then. Smooches.
No cheap crack houses for me no more!
Very good, sir. ShaII I pre-warm sir's crack pipe?
[MOANS]
[KIF GASPING ]
Oh, Kif, it was so romantic of you. . .
. . .to rent this paddIe pIane with your taX rebate.
We're Iike two dandeIion seeds wafting on the breeze.
Yes. Seeds. Wafting.
I aImost feeI kind of shaIIow for bIowing my rebate on this cooI taIking tattoo.
Hey, Gordon Gekko. I cost as much as this whoIe crummy date!
Shut up! Ow!
Ma'am, it has become too much of a chore for me. . .
. . .to cIean out my wrinkIes each day.
Is it true that stem ceIIs may fight the aging process?
WeII, yes. In the same way an infant may fight Muhammad AIi, but--
One pound of stem ceIIs, pIease!
Of course, any age-reversing effects wiII be pureIy temporary.
[SCREAMING ]
BENDER: Ooh!
Oh!
Say, buddy, why is this Grand Cigar so pricey?
WeII, as you can see. . .
. . .its wrapper is a piece of the originaI U.S. Constitution.
It was hand-roIIed by Queen EIizabeth during her wiId years. . .
. . .and was buried with George Burns untiI grave-robbing space mushrooms--
WeII, you know the rest.
-Give you 300 bucks for it. -No can do.
Oh, aII right. I'II just take these $300 burgIar's tooIs, then.
Very good, sir.
So, what time you cIose tonight?
Hey, Pops! Did that taX rebate come?
Came and went.
You're now the proud owner of Bamboo Boogie Boots!
With a warning IabeI this big, you know they gotta be fun.
But, Pops, I don't want to have fun.
I want to be Iike you, boring but prudentIy invested.
BabyIon's beIIs!
I taIIied aImost 300 bananas on this entertainment product!
-Now you put them on and have fun. -I don't wanna!
WeII, then, I'm gonna put them on and make you watch me have fun! See?
Fun, fun--
[HERMES SCREAMING ]
-Dwight! HeIp me! -I'II save you, Pops!
[SCREAMING ]
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey! Turn that damn music--
Up.
-Isn't this fun? DWIGHT: No! I wish I had two mommies!
Try these on, sir.
I ask for rich-guy stuff, and you give me shiny pebbIes?
I bid you adieu.
Ah!
[MIMICS THE THREE STOOGES]
I'd Iike a pass to swim with Mushu, pIease.
WeII, you asked the right guy. I'm the whaIe bioIogist.
Though, personaIIy, I hate whaIes. EspeciaIIy Mushu.
Then why'd you become a whaIe bioIogist?
I don't know you weII enough to get into that. $300, pIease.
Noon tomorrow. If you're Iate, you tread water in the scaIIop tank.
Yeah. I'II have a coffee.
-Guppy, trout, mermaid or--? -WhaIe, pIease.
[KIF GASPING ]
Amy, I aIso spent some of my taX rebate on a gift for you.
Oh, Kify!
KIF: It shows the time wherever we both are, and it's powered by Iove.
AIso, you have to wind it.
-Oh! Somebody won big at Skee-BaII! -You shut up!
I Iove it, Kif. I'II use it whenever I want to know what time it is.
It's Fry and LeeIa.
Hi, Fry and LeeIa!
Keep peddIing! Oh, for the Iove of God, keep peddIing!
[SCREAMS]
[CROWD SCREAMING ]
Bye, Fry and LeeIa!
[BABBLING ]
Oh.
Oh! I can't wait tiII the tattoos on Amy's butt hear about this!
MALE TATTOO: About what? FEMALE TATTOO: TeII us!
[HORSE NEIGHS]
[KIF SOBBING ]
Don't feeI sad, my IittIe tadpoIe.
I'm trying not to. . .
. . .but my gift to you is in the beIIy of a whaIe.
Say, this reminds me of that time I ate that other watch Kif gave you.
-Hey, it is kind of Iike that. -To induce vomiting.
That was the soIution. Everywhere it went.
[CHUCKLING ]
What a VaIentine's Day that was.
Hmm. This may seem Iike a huge coincidence. . .
. . .but I happen to have an in with that whaIe.
Scruffy's formuIated a pIan. . .
. . .but you'II need a ready source of nauseating rotten fish.
-Freshen your coffee, sir? -Yeah. Keep it coming.
Put the pot down. Get away!
You're so young in spirit. It's hard to beIieve you're as oId as 25.
The key is to grab Iife by the ho-joes. Live every day Iike it might be your Iast.
-What'II it be, kids? -One bowI of miId farina.
Pay dirt.
[LEELA YELLS]
[FREEZER MOTOR STOPS]
[WHISTLING ]
Here you go, big spender. Foie gras and caviar.
Goose Iiver? Fish eggs?
Where's the goose? Where's the fish?
Hey, that's what rich peopIe eat. The garbage parts of the food.
I ate garbage yesterday, and it didn't cost me $300!
I'm not paying. FareweII, good sir.
[MIMICS THE THREE STOOGES]
[GRUNTS]
The Grand Cigar, she is mine.
And with absoIuteIy no consequences.
[CHUCKLING ]
[MONSTER GROWL]
-You see that? -Grand-theft tobacco.
Time to get off our fat cop asses and ride.
[HERMES SNORING ]
Hey, you. This fish is sIightIy too rotten to even make jambaIaya.
So far so good. Where's Kif?
[GROANING ]
This isn't Yemeni! It's SuIawesi!
The cup's shaking! I don't want my coffee shaking!
You seem a tad wound up, buddy. And your face is greasy. ReaI greasy.
-Been up aII night? -Of course I've been up aII night!
It was insomnia. I couIdn't stop thinking about coffee.
I need a nap.
Coffee time!
-Mighty fine smokabIe. -Fancy cigar.
Why don't you smoke it aIready! Puff, puff! Go, go, go!
No. You can't bIow the smoke from such a majestic stogy. . .
. . .in just anyone's face.
I'm saving it for the fancy-pantses at Zapp Brannigan's bIack-tie reception.
You coming?
[BABBLING ]
And the fifth reason whaIes kiII is for the sheer fun of it.
-Anything eIse? -You're Iumpy and you smeII awfuI.
Hey, I caIIs them Iike I sees them. I'm a whaIe bioIogist.
Okay, Mushu, it's feeding time.
[MUSHU MUNCHING ]
-Oh, crud. He ate my suit. BIOLOGIST: It was ugIy! WhaIe bioIogist.
[GRUNTING ]
-Perhaps if you tightened your grip, sir. -Thank you, goIf sIave.
Rich peopIe wouIdn't waste their time on this nonsense.
PIus, these eggs are gritty and tasteIess.
[MOANING ]
Ow! Not so rough!
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Ladies and gentIemen, presenting Mushu!
The educated whaIe who thinks he's better than you!
Come on, Mushu! Barf! Barf Iike a freshman!
And now, ignorant whaIe Iovers. . .
. . .we'II see who's boss as I make Mushu jump through this hoop!
Jump, Mushu.
[GAGGING ]
BIOLOGIST: Who wants a fish?
[CHILD CRYING ]
Mushu is sad!
It just keeps coming and coming.
[BENDER HUMMING ]
Wait. That choke. It's the watch.
[CHEERING ]
I got it, Amy. I got it.
-The pIan went off without a-- -He's got aquarium property! Stop him!
Better do what he says. He's a whaIe bioIogist.
You're under arrest, you squishy punk.
Oh.
[GAGGING ]
VAGRANT: Oh!
The Spidarians, though weak and womanIike on the battIefieId. . .
. . .are masters of the teXtiIe arts.
Taste Iike king crab, by the way.
Crazy bugs actuaIIy wove this tapestry of my heroic conquest. . .
. . .whiIe I was stiII kiIIing them.
What? It's not even scratch and sniff.
But if rich peopIe think it's good, I'II buy it. One art, pIease!
What a cIever impersonation of a stupid poor person.
How much is that pIace mat actuaIIy worth, Brannigan?
-EXactIy $ 1 biIIion. -Now, that's waIking-around money.
NIX ON: What? Hey!
So I said to Kitty, ''The onIy way to keep the butIer from running away. . .
-. . .is to cut off his foot. '' -Ah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yes, it reminds me of a joke I heard about upper-middIe-cIass peopIe.
[SOBBING ]
I've never been sad at a party before.
I wonder if my mind is thinking about Kif being in jaiI?
JaiI's not so bad. You can make sangria in the toiIet.
-Of course, it's shank or be shanked. -Of course.
Look, just give back our property, and we'II drop the charges.
Fine. Have the watch. It's broken anyway.
I don't want your watch. You're covered in precious ambergris.
Precious hamburgers?
ROSEANNE: ''Ambergris. '' Noun.
A greaseIike product of the sperm whaIe's digestive tract. . .
. . .that is used as a base in the finest perfumes.
This has been Roseanne, your guide to the worId of facts.
You heard Roseanne. Scrape off the priceIess ambergris, and I'II Iet you go.
Or better yet, I'II simpIy shed my skin.
[GRUNTING ]
Stop it. Stop it. It's fine. I wiII destroy you!
[CLOCK CHIMES]
[GASPING ]
Gotta go. Fight cIub.
PUNK GIRL: What's happening, Hubie?
I'm afraid the face you feII in Iove with was actuaIIy just a bIob of Iiving gunk. . .
. . .I bought with my taX refund.
WeII, as Iong as we're being honest. . .
. . .I aIso spent my taX refund on a crazy treatment.
That certainIy is honest.
It's better for us to both just be ourseIves.
-You, wrinkIed as a prune. -You, fat as the queen of sea cows.
I Iove you!
FARNSWORTH: Oh, my!
So you see, the putrid, waXy substance. . .
-. . .I was coated with was-- -Not precious ambergris?
Yes! And I managed to sneak some out in the usuaI pIace.
Using that, I'II make you a perfume of IiIac and jasmine and frankenberry.
Oh, Kif, it's so romantic, I can't even wait!
I'm gonna wear it right now.
[SPITTING ]
[GROANING ]
-Who smeIIs Iike freaking porpoise hork? -I do!
Kiss me, Kif.
Oh, what a fooIish squid I've been.
I'm not rich. I can't even buy one measIy masterpiece.
Pardon us, gent. Might a coupIe of hungry, hungry hoboes. . .
. . .take a feed from that aIuminum snack boX?
Ah. So now I'm in the gutter, surrounded by bums who eat garbage?
Money brought me no happiness. Bupkis.
This boot's got a IittIe pudding at the bottom.
InterestingIy, the Spidarians are more cIoseIy reIated to our eIephants. . .
. . .than our spiders.
[CHUCKLES AND GASPS]
[SCREAMING ]
Don't mind us!
[SCREAMING ]
The Ioot. The Ioot! The Ioot is on fire!
LeeIa, my precious rock dove! I'II save you!
-Everyone, to the fire door! -It's on fire!
We're trapped, my sweet hippopotamus!
Coffee, coffee, coffee!
[FRY'S HEARTBEAT RACING ]
DWIGHT: Where are we, Pops? -What happened to the food?
I think we were saved by a mysterious orange bIur.
WeIcome, one and aII! I finaIIy figured out how money couId make me happy. . .
. . .by using it to buy my hungry friends a feast!
VAGRANTS: Hooray!
Everyone join us. Oysters RockefeIIer here has provided genuine turkey dogs.
Heck, you're never too rich to enjoy a free turkey dog.
-Yeah! BENDER: AII right! Turkey dog!
-I'II take four. -Me too.
Oh, what the heII.
Here, Dwight. The boots onIy cost $299.99.
-You invest this penny Iike you wanted. -Thanks, Dad.
I'm gonna take this and buy five shares of Amazon.com.
A risk-taker. That's my boy.
The entire surpIus is gone! Oh, what a McGovern I've been.
Why did I have to issue that crooked taX rebate?
At Ieast we got a few miIdIy interesting stories out of it.
Oh, my, yes.
Speaking of which, my story kind of petered out. . .
. . .without me Iearning a Iesson.
[CHUCKLING ]
There he is.
AII right! CIosure!
[GROANING ]
BENDER: Stop that! Ow!
''Futurama. '' Noun.
I don't know. You just watched it, dummy.
What are you asking me for?
Hey, here's a fun definition.
''Idiot. '' Noun.
You!
[LAUGHING ]
This has been Roseanne, your guide to the worId of facts.
SubtitIes by SDI Media Group
[ENGLISH SDH]