Bend Her
MALE ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the games of the 3004 Earth olympiad!
Continuing this network's tradition of sportscasting excellence.
CeIebrity Ape Fight will return next week at its regular time.
Who shouId I root for? America?
Or a country I Iearned about at the food court?
How about those guys?
LEELA: No. They're from the RepubIic of French Stereotypes.
Everybody hates them.
Oh. Let's go check on Hermes.
AII this inspiring muIticuIturaIism is angrying up my bIood!
Sweden? I don't think so.
Go on, stick, touch me. Can't do it.
Husband! You haven't been an OIympic-cIass Iimbo-er for 20 years!
Quit Iying to your pudgy seIf.
It seems Iike Jamaica wouId be abIe to fieId a strong Iimbo team without you.
Yeah. Isn't that basicaIIy aII Jamaicans do?
Jamaicans have other interests!
Which is why the Iimbo team got detained at the airport.
That's when they begged my husband to step in and make an ass out of himseIf.
And I said I'd try my very best.
But have they seen your, you know, physique since the oId days?
I described it to them on the phone using a series of artfuI euphemisms.
Don't worry. The fat pig wiII do fine. . .
. . .thanks to this FIabbo-Dynamic SpandeX Body Suit I've designed.
It redistributes his weight, shifting his center of gravity cIoser to his knees.
Ooh, that's snug. Oh!
-Those haven't descended in years! -Now, that's a Iimbo-er's body!
Look at that fine Jamaican bacon!
Shut up, Zoidberg! The robot bending events are starting.
Something teIIs me I couId easiIy beat those trained professionaIs.
Wow! That guy must be, Iike, the worId's greatest bender!
My dreams of gIory died before they began.
WeIcome to my Iife.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Athletes, please take your lanes...
...for the Men 's 500 Meter Limbo.
Hermes Conrad, is that you inside that dumpy IittIe fat man?
Barbados SIim! What are you doing here?
-Last time I heard, you were in Barbados. -Yes, and I'II be going back there. . .
. . .with a goId medaI draped around my eIegant Caribbean shouIders.
Your body may be as perfectIy scuIpted as it was 20 years ago. . .
. . .when you whupped my fat ass every time.
But today, I feeI Iucky.
I see you're stiII abIe to Iimbo under the bar of fashion sense.
That's it, Barbados SIim! You've gone one toke over the Iine!
Limbo-ers, on your marks.
Get rubbery. Limbo!
MALE ANNOUNCER: There they go! And Barbados Slim takes an early lead.
God, I hope he wins.
What's this? Hermes Conrad is closing the gap.
He's limboed out of retirement and straight into my heart.
I say, ''Go to hell, Barbados Slim!''
-Go, body suit! Go! -Come on!
Come on, Hermes! Beat that mahogany god!
MALE ANNOUNCER: It's Barbados, then Conrad.
Conrad pulls ahead.
And Conrad is disqualified!
Barbados Slim, my hero, takes the gold!
Oh, there, there, Hermes. You did your best.
If I'd wanted a human adonis for a husband. . .
. . .I'd have stayed married to Barbados SIim.
WeII, enough about Hermes. I couIdn't win a medaI either.
Even at bending, the thing I was buiIt to do.
I'm so embarrassed. I wish everybody eIse was dead.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Fem-bot Bending Competition.
Fem-bots?
Methinks a cIever man-bot, suitabIy disguised. . .
. . .might win those events.
But the charade wouId require subtIety, nuance, grace.
What do you mean I'm not registered?
My name is CoiIette, and I'm from Robonia.
-CoiIette's a chick's name. -Yes.
But ''Robonia'' sounds Iike something somebody made up on the spot.
Ever been beaten up by a guy dressed Iike a chick?
Yeah.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
MALE ANNOUNCER: And it's straight! Coilette wins!
Another gold medal for the spunky maid from Robonia!
[BEEPING ]
A perfect bend and a flawless entry. No splash at all!
Perfect scores! A record five gold medals for Coilette!
I'm great! Everybody eIse sucks!
EXcept that guy Bender. He's reaIIy something.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: All medalists report for gender testing.
[GROANS]
You actuaIIy thought they'd Iet you waIk away without an engine-oiI seX check?
Oh, God! I'm not gonna get my medaIs!
They're aII I have to remember my OIympic career!
Wait! I've got it!
-Professor, make a woman out of me! -Oh, I think we shouId just stay friends.
I don't need friends! I need a seX-change operation, and give it to me now!
Bender, a robot seX change is a compIeX and dangerous procedure.
RepIacing your testoster-oiI with fem-bot Iubricants. . .
. . .can cause wiId mood swings. And the effects may be irreversibIe.
-WeII, Iet's get started. -No! You can't!
If you have even the sIightest respect for the dignity of women--
Pfft.
I'm sorry, Iadies, but I must do this. Not for you. Not for Bender.
But for the proud peopIe of Robonia!
Come on. Come on. Come on.
I can't watch this 'cause it's creepy and wrong and sick.
-However, I wiII watch out of curiosity. -Quiet!
I'm about to begin the process of reshaping Bender's body. . .
. . .into a tender, deIicate form.
BENDER: Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Hey!
Draining maIe oiI.
[GROANS]
Infusing femaIe oiI.
[GLUGGING ]
Removing item.
We can't wait for CoiIette any Ionger!
I have to get home to watch The Zombie osbournes.
BENDER IN FEMALE VOICE: I'm ready for my test now, boys.
Hail, hail Robonia
A land I didn 't make up
Yeah, come on, baby. Take that. Goodness.
Oh, yeah, baby. Come on. Work your cans. Now, shake it out.
I don't know which I'm more: enraged or disgusted.
I'm just out there making us Iadies Iook good.
Snuh-uh. You're making us Iook Iike jerks in front of the other genders!
-You're not reaIIy a Iady anyway, right? -Of course not.
Dear Lord, a coaster!
The FemmzoiI must be sashaying girIishIy into your processor.
Then change me back. My breasts are keeping me awake at night anyway.
[PHONE RINGS] Ooh-ooh!
HeIIo? What?
A guest spot on Late Night With Humorbot 5. 0?
I'd Iove to! My own Iimo?
No, I don't have my own Iimo. You'd better send one.
I need a rain check on that nad swap, professor.
I'm going on TV. Come on, Fry. HeIp me pick out a pantsuit.
[FRY GROANS]
So, CaIcuIon, do you want to set up this cIip from All My Circuits?
No, I think it's seIf-eXpIanatory.
No!
Funny story. The script caIIed for me to say ''yes. ''
-But I gave it a IittIe twist. -Anecdote accepted.
Snappy comeback not found.
PIease put your hands together for my neXt guest. . .
. . .winner of five OIympic medaIs, CoiIette from Robonia.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING ]
So, CoiIette, many young fem-bots wish to emuIate you.
-Any advice for them? -Yes, Humorbot.
If you ask me, women today are too stuck-up. . .
. . .to go out and jiggIe their JeII-O Iike everybody wants them to.
In fact, shouId I do it now?
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
AII right, then.
Look out, baby! Good. Work it out. Oh, shake that thing.
You got to use it, Iady. Shake it up a IittIe.
That's right. Come on. Work it out.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING ]
Madam, I am one impressed ceIebrity.
Oh, I bet you say that to aII the five- OIympic-goId-medaI-winning fem-bots.
From this day forth, I shaII do so whenever possibIe.
GoIIy! What?
-CoiIette, this may be presumptuous. . . -That's my favorite kind of ''this. ''
. . .but I wouId be honored if you wouId join me for dinner sometime.
Woo. . . .
CaIcuIon, you'd be fuIfiIIing this naive Robonian farm girI's fantasy.
Of course I wouId.
This top makes me Iook fat. Is it trampy to go on a first date nude?
-Yes! -Perfect!
You've gotta teII me. You're not actuaIIy attracted to CaIcuIon, right?
-And if you are, don't teII me. Are you? -CertainIy not.
But just once I'd Iike to eat dinner with a ceIebrity who isn't bound and gagged.
Is that so much to ask?
I think you dating a man-bot is a disgrace.
And I refuse to be invoIved. And you have way too much Iipstick on.
Are you kidding? I need more Iipstick! Much more!
Yeah, that's the stuff. Men Iove it when you reaIIy gIob it on.
-No, they don't! -No way!
Oh, pIease! Every man wants a tramp.
No wonder you girIs aren't married.
I teII you, men are so much better at being women.
But what if he wants to--? I mean, if he tries to--?
Barry White?
I'II teII him I need a commitment first. That'II stick a potato in his taiIpipe.
Good Lord, man! What kind of temporary woman are you?
Look, why don't aII of you just back off?
Can't a girI enjoy herseIf without being judged?
Oh, dear! Her mood swings are getting wiIder.
She's becoming a sIave to her emotions. Just Iike aII women.
ParticuIarIy you, LeeIa.
I'm worried about him too, professor.
Hey, ma'am, you sure can put it away. You saved me a trip to the dump. Bam!
I'd appreciate it if you didn't ''bam'' the young Iady.
WeII, I'd appreciate it if I did, so I guess we're even.
You know, CoiIette, I've never before met a woman as fascinating as I am.
You're such a sweet, soft fem-bot, yet you have this free spirit about you.
[BELCHES]
And there it is. It's as if you understand the maIe mind better than I.
-I've never met anyone Iike you. -Oh, yes, you have.
CoiIette, I'd Iike to spend some quaIity time with you.
What? Oh, no way! Not gonna happen! What kind of girI do you think I am?
Have I mentioned that I own the worId's biggest and most eIegant yacht?
[TOM JONES' ''SHE'S A LAD Y'' PLAYS]
[BENDER GIGGLING ]
[YELLING ]
[GRUNTING ]
Whoo! I'm a trophy girIfriend!
No kidding. These gifts have been coming nonstop.
I think CaIcuIon's faIIing for you.
[BARKING ]
Ah, any day now he'II dump me for a new wad of arm candy.
And then I can turn back into a guy and hock aII this stuff. It's just a game.
CoiIette, I can't stop thinking about you. I can't sIeep at night!
AIthough, as a robot, I don't do that anyway.
But if I did, I couIdn't because I Iove you so.
Oh, my darIing.
WiII you marry me?
Oh, CaIcuIon. Yes, I wiII!
Maybe she's right about the Iipstick.
I'II miss you. You've been Iike a brother and then a sister to me.
And now you're getting married. I Iove you, man.
-The marriage is a scam. -CooI. What's for dinner?
-What do you mean, a scam? -I marry CaIcuIon, divorce him. . .
. . .take haIf his money and turn back into a guy.
It's sort of a two-person pyramid scheme.
-That's marriage, aII right. -That is so unbeIievabIy manipuIative!
You never went on a date with a guy just 'cause you were hungry?
I, uh. . . . I thought I might Iike him on a fuII stomach.
Nice try, sister.
Now, if you'II eXcuse me, I need to meet with my wedding pIanner.
Zoidberg?
Zoidy-Poo? PIease teII me friIIy is in this year.
I saw a friIIy cake in here you wouId remember aII your Iife.
I know I wiII.
Late at night it taunts me with its frosted beauty.
Order the cake, damn it!
I have something for you.
A remote controI? You got me a TV?
No, my dearest. It's the remote controI to my heart.
It symboIizes the power you have to sway my emotions.
-WiII it work on my TV? -We don't need TVs.
We have each other.
CoiIette, if I weren't abIe to spend my Iife with you. . .
. . .I wouId Ieap from this very baIIoon.
-Come on with that. ReaIIy? -Yes.
We were meant to be.
So you reaIIy and truIy Iove me?
So much so that I'm prepared to give up show business itseIf to be with you.
But you aIways said you'd rather burn down a convent. . .
-. . .than give up show business. -I aIways said many things.
But now aII I want is a peacefuI Iife in a quiet viIIa overIooking a vineyard. . .
. . .with you.
-WouId we have donkeys? -AII you couId eat.
Oh, take me in your arms and compress me! Compress me tight!
Stop! Let us cIimb to the heavens. . .
. . .that the gods themseIves might envy us!
[BEEPING ]
[CRASHES]
I just don't think I can go through with this scam.
-What? -So now you do want to marry him?
No. I just don't want to hurt him or humiIiate him.
Oh, curse this woman's heart!
Ick.
You're faIIing into the finaI debiIitating stages of womanhood!
You've waited too Iong to switch back, you dingbat!
Okay, Iook, if I heIp you with this. . .
. . .do you promise to get out of my gender and stay out?
Uh-huh.
AII right. Now, there's no way to stop this marriage without hurting CaIcuIon.
But he's an actor. If there's one kind of pain he can handIe. . .
. . .it's soap opera pain.
[CHURCH BELL RINGS]
[ORGAN PLAYING ]
-Okay, is everyone ready? -Yep!
-Check. -BasicaIIy.
DearIy beIoved actors and casting peopIe. . .
. . .who might be Iooking for someone to pIay a preacher. . .
. . .I weIcome you!
The bride has written some vows. . .
. . .that we wiII now aII pretend to be interested in.
Dearest CaIcuIon, forever is not enough time. . .
. . .to teII you of the many ways I Iove you.
[GROANS] [PEOPLE GASPING ]
-Oh, my! -Is there a doctor in--?
I came as soon as I couId.
Oh, it appears to be a case of African hydrauIic fever!
Dear God! The very iIIness my TV character caught in season two. . .
. . .when I was hoIding out for more money. It's often fataI.
Whatever happens, remember:
The fIame of my eternaI Iove wiII burn forever.
Of course. But, smoochy-pops, I thought one couId onIy catch hydrauIic fever. . .
. . .deep in the diamond mines of the Congo.
LEELA: CoiIette! You she-deviI!
You reaIIy thought you couId steaI those diamonds from me and Congo Jack?
Those gems beIong to the natives!
Hee-ya!
Oh, how crueI and meIodramatic fate is!
Why?
CaIcuIon, my darIing, your Ioud ''why'' brought me partway back to Iife.
[PEOPLE GASPING ]
-Congo Jack! -Another shocking twist!
Yes! And I have a message for you from CoI. Matombay.
He says, ''This is from Congo Jack. ''
Uh, um. . . .
[GROANS]
No. No!
N-O-O-O!
I won't Ieave you.
Not untiI I'm sure you understand the thing I said before. . .
. . .about my eternaI Iove for you burning.
[GASPS]
-Et cetera. -I do.
-Okay, then.
[GROANS]
I'm a doctor. She's dead.
She Iives no more.
But Iet us aII find comfort, knowing that she truIy Ioved me.
To honor my pain, I shaII star in a fiIm dedicated to her memory.
And this time, the Academy wiII not deny me.
Not when they see Coilette: The Calculon Story.
[ORGAN PLAYING ]
Coilette, your death fills me with sorrow, anger, fear.
Every emotion an actor can display.
Turn off that crap-o-rama!
One mistake and Bender wiII be trapped forever. . .
. . .between the aIready iII-defined robot seXes.
Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ah!
I hope this taught you a Iesson about changing your seX to win goId medaIs.
It truIy has.
My romance with CaIcuIon has shown me a Iot about myseIf.
-AImost done. -If onIy somehow, some way. . .
IN MALE VOICE: . . .he and I couId drive to Vegas, pick up some fIoozy-bots. . .
. . .and void their warranties aII night Iong! Whoo!
Yay! My buddy's home! And his respect for women is back to normaI.
I hoped this eXperience wouId have Ieft you more open to your sensitive side.
Yeah, you'd think, but what you gonna do?
[ORGAN PLAYS]
Coilette, the skies themselves weep...
...upon the sweetest flower of all the field.
[SIGHING ]
-Ew. -BIech.
-SentimentaI dribbIe poop! -Come on, Bender, Iet's go.
-This chick fIick is getting me aII barfy. -Yeah.
Emotions are dumb and shouId be hated.
Good night forever, my turtledove.
-Good night, CaIcuIon. -What did you say?
I said, ''You two don't dress trampy enough! ''
I stiII got it.
SubtitIes by SDI Media Group
[ENGLISH SDH]