Bender ShouId Not Be AIIowed on TV
FARNSWORTH: Oh, my.
BENDER: Here we go, y'aII! ZOIDBERG: Zoidberg, Zoidberg. Zoidberg.
BENDER: This is a story about aII my friends.
FARNSWORTH: Goodbye. Goodbye.
ANNOUNCER: Previously on AII My Circuits:
I'm sorry, Father. But somewhere aIong the way, I forgot how to be your son.
-Why, Antonio? -Because. . . . I have amnesia!
[MOANING ]
-CaIcuIon! But I thought you were-- -Egyptian?
Before I kiII you, I must ask you one question:
Who am I?
For I have. . . . Amnesia!
Let me get this straight. Does anyone here not have amnesia?
MONIQUE: Not sure. -I don't know.
This show is awesome! When I grow up, I'm gonna have so much amnesia.
Me too! I mean, I have it now. But I forgot.
-WeII, mine's Iouder! -Cram a ham in it, you twerps!
-Sorry. -I had it coming.
Welcome, swingers! Pull up a groove and get fabulous!
Nude rock bands, big piIes of what I assume is taIcum powder.
It's quite a birthday party, CaIcuIon.
CooI! I'm gonna have a fabuIatious birthday party just Iike CaIcuIon!
Oh, yeah? WeII, I'm gonna show up Iooking good just Iike Monique.
Do you two have to imitate everything you see on TV?
We're 1 2. So, yes.
HoId up, Cubert. You're a cIone of the professor.
Do cIones even have birthdays?
Duh.
Duh what?
[GRUNTING ]
Dad? Do I have a birthday?
Hmm. You didn't have a birth, so technicaIIy, no.
-Hmm. FARNSWORTH: Oh, don't feeI bad.
We can ceIebrate the day I eXtracted you from the cIoning tank.
Or the day I scraped your DNA from that growth on my back.
-That one! -Yes.
It was 1 3 years ago neXt week. I used this very fork.
Oh, weII, isn't that--
Hey. NeXt week'II be my birthday too!
That's true! If onIy there were a way to have one party for both of you. . .
. . .here at the office, then write it off as a business eXpense.
Wait! I thought of a way! The way I just said!
-Yeah! -Way to go, Pops!
BENDER: Something's happening on teIevision!
[GASPING ]
oh, Monique. Why did we wait so many years to bathe in champagne?
[SCREAMS]
Father! I've discovered the shocking secret...
...Mother has kept from you for 200 years!
No! No!
Brace yourself, for when I speak these words...
... you may well suffer an attack of explosive amnesia!
For you see, the horrible secret is--
[GROANING ]
Whoever's directing this is a master of suspense!
He's busteds. Let's get hims out of heres.
ANNOUNCER: We now join America 's most popular show in progress:
Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad!
[BUZZING ]
This show's been going downhiII since season three.
Look who's here, everyone! It's Zoidberg, the IovabIe tramp!
Since when are you performing at chiIdren's parties?
Performing? What? PIease, if someone couId spare me money to buy shoes?
-This party pukes. -Yeah!
The guests were supposed to be here three hours ago.
WeII, that doesn't mean that no one is coming or that you two are totaI Iosers.
Who gave you that idea?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
AII right! They must've aII come as a group!
WeIcome, swingers! PuII up a groove and get fabuIous!
Huh?
Good day, feIIows. Someone dumped this invitation in my begging cup.
Happy growth-scraping day to aII!
[SIGHING ]
--fire them aII.
Guys. Guys. Something's happening on teIevision again!
Welcome to Entertainment and Earth Invasion Tonite.
Across the galaxy my people are completing a mighty space fleet...
... that will exterminate the human race! But first, this news from Tinsel Town.
Following Antonio Calculon Jr. 's breakdown on the set...
... the popular TV show AII My Circuits will hold an open casting call...
...for child robots to replace him.
An open casting caII for chiId robots?
Tinny Tim! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
-What's that, sir? -That I, Bender, am perfect for the roIe!
You raised my hopes and dashed them quite eXpertIy, sir. Bravo!
[SQUEAKING ]
Bender, your swarthy Latin charm wiII onIy get you so far.
There's a Iot of famous chiId acting units here.
Look, there's MacauIay CuIkon!
He's just not cute since he got puberty instaIIed.
There's that robot chiId actor who grew up and robbed the convenience store.
And there's that robot chiId actor who grew up. . .
. . .and became a convenience store.
Lottery ticket, pIease.
We're ready for the first audition. ''Emote-atron Jr. ''?
HoId on, precious. Let's make you Iook nice for the Iady.
What's this? What did I teII you?
No. . .more. . .hanging. . .wires!
In this scene, you've just found out your reaI father. . .
. . .is CaIcuIon's fourth eviI identicaI septupIet, SIeazy Martinez.
Okay? Take us there!
Now that I know the truth, Father, I must ride south. . .
. . .and join the robo-bandidos at Veracruz!
BENDER: Boo! Boo! This kid sucks! We want Bender! Boo!
WeII, I thought he was good, but the audience seems to have turned on him.
-But I don't think-- -NeXt!
--at Veracruz. So if you'II kindIy hand me my poncho--
BENDER: Boo! Bring on Bender! Boo! Bender's the greatest!
Sorry, kid. You're fIaiIing up there.
[SCREAMS]
Ninety actors and they aII got booed.
I just wish we couId get this Bender I keep hearing about.
They say he's the greatest.
WeII, there is a robot named Bender here, but he's much too oId for--
Send him in forthwith!
Boo! Not as good as Bender! Boo!
Mr. Bender?
[GASPING ]
-Have you ever been on TV before? -Once, when I took those hostages.
I saw that. You were good. Let's hear you audition.
''Bandidos''? Oh, this is great.
Because I happen to have a fIawIess Spanish accent.
I wiII see. Adiós, Padre. Come, Jesus, my faithfuI chihuahua.
Tonight we eat guacamoIe by the EI Rio!
That was so terribIe I think you gave me cancer!
I don't care how popuIar you are, you wiII never work on my show!
FRY: Yay, Bender! LEELA: We demand Bender!
However, you've got the job. WeIcome aboard, son!
Father-O!
I'd Iike you to meet our director, whose name I never Iearned.
Yo. I read the script, and I think it wouId heIp my character's motivation. . .
-. . .if he was on fire. -Don't worry about the script, baby.
We rewrote your part to suit your acting abiIities.
So now my character has a British accent?
No, now your character's in a coma. Get in bed and don't move.
[MUMBLING ]
And action!
Stupid dumb coma. I couId've been British.
AIas that mine onIy son shouId sink into an irreversibIe, permanent. . .
. . .coma.
Permanent? That's compIeteIy out of character for Antonio. I'm getting up.
Curse the tragic wiIdebeest accident that--
Hey, everyone! Antonio here, but you can caII me Bender!
I got ants in my butt and I needs to strut! Come on, baby!
[HUMMING ]
Come on!
I'm not famiIiar with the type of thing I'm seeing.
Bite my shiny metaI ass! Yeah!
Come on, baby, yeah. Come on, yeah!
Cut! That's the worst coma acting I've ever seen. We'II have to shoot it again.
No. No, no, no. I don't do two takes.
-But this guy was-- -Amateurs Iike you do two takes.
I do one take. Print it. I'II be in my three-story traiIer.
Bite my shiny metal ass! Yeah! Come on, baby, yeah! Come on, yeah!
Now, that's hospitaI dancing! Pretty good, hey, CaIcy?
Good? I've seen better acting from eXtras in Godzilla movies.
[WHISTLING ]
CALCULON: I didn't shoot this.
We didn't. That's security camera footage from your dressing room.
He stoIe the scene and my money? That's it!
I demand you fire this feIonious ham!
[SIREN WAILING ]
-The network eXecu-bots are coming! -Oh, dear God!
Presenting the president of the network!
[MODEM BUZZING ]
PRESIDENT: Greetings, gentlemen. You already know my execu-bots.
Executive Alpha, programmed to like things it has seen before.
-Hey, hey, hey. -Executive Beta.
Programmed to roll dice to determine the fall schedule.
More reaIity shows!
And Executive Gamma, programmed to underestimate Middle America.
It's funny, but is it going to get them off their tractors?
Now, who put this obnoxious dancing robot on my network?
-We were about to fire him, sir. -Silence, hack!
We've been monitoring our Nielsen families carefully.
And during the 1 2 seconds Bender was on-screen, viewer eyeball focus...
... was up 90 percent!
[PANTING ]
But, sir, chiIdren watch this show.
Bender's no roIe modeI. He's a fiIthmonger.
At our network, we love filth.
Filthy rich, that is. Being filthy rich, that is.
[PRESIDENT LAUGHING ]
[LAUGHING ]
''Bite my shiny metal ass'' could be a catchphrase.
-Eighty percent IikeIy. -It wiII pIay in Peoria.
BETA: Game shows are back!
We need this edgy, sweeps-ready robot on our network!
Bender, can you continue to drink, smoke and steal things on TV?
Yes, I can.
[BAND PLAYS ''WE'RE GONNA HAVE A TV PARTY TONIGHT'']
TINY TIM-BOT: Yeah, shooting! DWIGHT: AII right!
[LAUGHING ]
Yo. Check out what I jacked from my dad.
-A cigar?! -Ripping!
Look. I'm Bender!
Ras H. Tafari! What's going on here?
-The ruffians smoked one of your cigars. -That's not a cigar!
-And it's not mine. -Hey, Dad. Bite my shiny metaI ass!
What? Such an act wouId be most uncomfortabIe for both of us!
-Where did you Iearn such Ianguage? -From Bender, my good jerkwad.
Bender? That guy's reaIIy starting to twist my dreads.
-Okay, okay! Get ready for this part! -Quiet, robot. Bender's on TV.
oh, Calculon. It's so good to get away from the city...
...and that beastly yet intriguing Bender.
[GASPS]
And try this, kids at home!
Is television sensation Bender a bad role model for Earth 's children?
That's crazy.
A new protest group, Fathers Against Rude Television, says ''Hell, yes!''
What kind of bozos wouId start a Bender protest group?
Good news, everyone! Hermes and I have started a Bender protest group!
That was uncanny.
Fathers Against Rude TeIevision don't want our kids watching Bender's. . .
-. . .high-definition fiIth! -And for what?
Some kind of cheap Iaugh? That's not what F.A.R.T. is aII about.
No, sir! Not us F.A.R.T.ers!
You can't censor me just because I'm an obsceneIy bad roIe modeI.
As uncIean as it makes me feeI, I agree with Bender.
Kids don't turn rotten just from watching TV.
Yeah. Give a IittIe credit to our pubIic schooIs.
Our dads are aII pumped up on dork-osterone.
-We're just trying to be cooI, Iike Bender. -Yeah. And it's not even working.
-Smoking and drinking make us barf. -GentIe jerkwads. . .
. . .I know how to emuIate Bender without barfing. We couId commit a burgIary.
-Hey, yeah! -Bender Ioves to burgIe!
HoId up, though. Who couId we rob? We don't know anyone with cooI stuff.
Duh. We know someone who runs on pure cooI fueI: Bender!
-Whoa! -We'II rob Bender!
TV gave us the idea!
BENDER: You're watching Futurama...
... the show that does not advocate the cool crime of robbery.
Okay. It's crime time.
Hey, Bender.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hey, Bender.
[''BUSTED'' PLAYS]
-Oh! -What's going on in here?
[MUSIC STOPS]
Oh. Now I'm reaIIy outraged!
Where did you requisition this party? And Zoidberg, what are you doing here?
I'm networking. Let me give you my card.
ReIaX, Dad. We just invited a few friends over.
There's something wrong with your story, but I can't put my finger on it.
Of course! You don't have friends!
Yeah! Why do these popuIar kids consider you cooI aII of a sudden?
-We're just cooI, is aII. -BaIderdash!
I'II be the judge of who's cooI, using the CooI-o-meter!
[BEEPING ]
COOL-O-METER: oh, yeah!
Good Lord! I'm getting a reading of over 40 mega-Fonzies.
-Everybody out! ALL: Aw. . . .
So do you guys know about anything eIse going on?
Because I'm totaIIy stiII ready to party.
There's enough cooI stuff here to furnish a happening pad.
Where did it aII come from?
Don't teII, comrades! AII for one and one for aII!
-We stoIe it! -Oh, crumb.
[YAWNS]
-What? What's going on? -I'II teII you what!
Our boys have taken up steaIing. One of the worst and cooIest of crimes.
And aII from watching you on TV, you cooI jerk!
Hey, Iay off me!
TV wouId stink if everyone on it was a positive roIe modeI.
Bender is about entertainment, baby! You can't hoId me responsibIe. . .
. . .for what kids do when-- Hey. This is my stuff they stoIe!
That's the Iast straw! Bender shouId not be aIIowed on teIevision!
[CROWD MUMBLING ]
Bender must be stopped!
I've gone too far! Who does that guy think I am?
-Yeah! -That's right!
Come on! We're gonna march aII the way to HoIIywood. . .
. . .and make them stop forcing their fiIthy me down our throats!
CROWD: Yeah!
ALL: Down with Bender! Down with Bender!
-This mob's with me. -Go ahead.
Down with Bender! Down with Bender!
Down with Bender! Down with--
--Bender! Down with Bender!
As a doctor and captain of this hospitaI ship. . .
. . .I now pronounce you man and wife with siX months to Iive.
Listen up, HoIIywood! We're an eXciting new mob!
ALL: Yeah! HERMES: You better beIieve it.
Great Shatner's ghost!
We demand that aII TVs be equipped with a B-Chip. . .
. . .that bIocks Bender from appearing on the screen!
-Boo-ya! ALL: Yeah.
PRESIDENT: I'm afraid the answer is a gritty, in-your-face no.
-Then I quit! -Then you don 't quit.
I think you'll be finishing the scene now, Mr. Bender.
And don 't skimp on the nasty.
There'II be no further nasty!
We stiII have the option of resorting to vioIence!
-What makes you think that'II work? -I saw it on TV. . .
. . .in that episode where Bender shot CaIcuIon. How cooI was that?
Yeah! Come on!
-Quit the show! -Do the scene.
I'm a coId-bIooded punk!
I once put a laugh track on a sitcom that had no jokes in it.
-Hey, Iook! The prop guy has a Iamp! -Really?
-Aha! -I was using that!
Listen up, because I've got a cIimactic speech.
You, cameraman, keep the camera roIIing!
-You, director! Give me my motivation! -You're angry.
Perfect! Viewers of the worId, do smoking and drinking on TV. . .
. . .reaIIy make me cooI? Of course they do!
How about committing crimes and vioIence? Again, the answer is yes.
But do we reaIIy want our kids eXposed to that kind of trash on TV?
-I say absoIuteIy not! -Oh!
[CLEARS THROAT]
On the other hand, most, perhaps aII, the bIame rests with the parents.
That's right, you!
And so I ask you this one question:
Have you ever tried simpIy turning off the TV. . .
. . .sitting down with your chiIdren. . .
. . .and hitting them?
-We're just so busy. -WeII, make time.
And cut!
Good enough. SpIice in some reaction shots of me and shove it on the air.
Have you ever tried simply turning off the TV...
...sitting down with your children...
...and hitting them?
WeII, I'd say we aII Iearned a vaIuabIe Iesson about TV there.
What was it?
That we shouId aII take TV a IittIe Iess seriousIy.
And more importantIy, turn it off once in a whiIe.
-Hear, hear! -Darn right!
So shouId we turn it off now?
-WeII. . . . That depends what's on. MAN: one now....
-Nothing good. -Let's just keep watching.
[BUZZING ]
[CAST SINGS AND SHOUTS]
SubtitIes by SDI Media Group
[ENGLISH SDH]