{1}{178}25.000 {178}{232}Tale of Two Santas {807}{910}In true Winter tradition, members|of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club... {914}{1010}...today took the plunge|into a river of liquid ammonia. {1078}{1201}-There Were no survivors.|-lt takes all kinds. {1205}{1327}NoW, With his annual message, here's|the head of the Xmas Safety Council: {1331}{1443}-The head of Walter Cronkite.|-Season's Warnings. {1447}{1515}This guy's too trustworthy.|What's his angle? {1519}{1611}In all the tinsel and terror|of the holiday season... {1615}{1752}... We underestimate that murderous|brute knoWn as Santa Claus. {1756}{1892}With images of last year's Gingerbread|Massacre baked into our memories... {1896}{2002}...I remind you to bolt your doors,|say goodbye to your pets... {2006}{2067}...and lock your children|in the closet. {2071}{2166}This is Walter Cronkite saying,|"I told you so. " {2257}{2370}Sacred boar of Western Samoa!|We must secure for Santa's arrival! {2389}{2460}Fine. I'm getting tired|of this wood show. {2522}{2556}Cover that fireplace! {2560}{2664}I've only a few years to live.|I don't want to spend them dead. {2668}{2777}-We're pushing as hard as we can.|-Oh! Pushing. {2831}{2904}We're doomed.|Every year we're doomed. {2909}{3005}Thanks be I had these|bulletproof shutters installed. {3119}{3155}[SCREAMS] {3232}{3342}Bring it on, Santa. That vicious|cadaver-junkie can't touch us... {3346}{3450}...as long as we're not stupid enough|to leave this building. {3469}{3566}In a related matter,|you'll deliver this sack of letters... {3570}{3657}...directly to Santa|at his death fortress on Neptune. {3954}{4060}These letters are real butt-nutters.|Listen to this. "Dear Santa...." {4064}{4138}GIRL: Please, please don't bring me|any gifts. {4142}{4260}The bicycle you fired at me last year|from your bike gun tore up my insides. {4264}{4347}Awful! Let's read some more.|"Dear Santa...." {4351}{4412}BOY : Please bring me a coffin for Grandpa. {4416}{4569}You choked him With a chestnut last|year, and he's beginning to smell. {4622}{4739}In my day, Xmas was supposed to bring|people together, not blow them apart. {4743}{4845}Sure, but who's gonna do anything|about it? Not us. No, sir. {4849}{4972}Yes, us. We've got to bring back|the kind of Xmas I remember. {4976}{5081}Fry's right. It's time|to sit on Santa's lap, and hard! {5228}{5258}[MACHINE GUN FIRES] {5262}{5315}[DOGS BARKING] {5427}{5515}Look, a cute little welcoming party. {5564}{5670}-Want to buy a tiny kidney?|-I'll let you punch me for a buck. {5674}{5755}Look, we've got mail for Santa.|Are you his elves? {5760}{5854}-No, we're Neptunians.|-We're tiny because he won't feed us. {5878}{5931}You hit me. You owe me a dollar. {5935}{5976}[GROWLING] {5980}{6020}[GLASS BREAKING] {6113}{6219}Got any food? Old tea bags,|chewed gum, apple cores? {6223}{6305}-We're starving here!|-You live in a gingerbread house. {6309}{6448}-lt's food or shelter, not both.|-Don't you get paid for making toys? {6452}{6517}-Who said toys?|NEPTUNIANS: Toys? {6523}{6554}False alarm, folks. {6558}{6647}There's no toys made.|Santa says everyone is naughty. {6702}{6790}That's it! I'm delivering my boot|up Santa's chimney. {6794}{6885}-Where is he?|-There, in his ice fortress. {6996}{7079}We'll need help getting in.|Any volunteers? {7152}{7221}-I'll help you.|-Oh, phooey! {7454}{7535}[DOGS BARK "JINGLE BELLS"] {7684}{7747}-An omen?|-Dinner. {7838}{7895}[SANTA LAUGHS] {7900}{8008}Let's see who's been naughty|and who's been naughty. {8020}{8047}[MOANING] {8051}{8144}Mobsters beating up a shopkeeper|for protection money. {8148}{8197}Very naughty. {8215}{8354}Shopkeepers not paying protection|money. Exactly as naughty. {8426}{8461}I saw that! {8465}{8490}[WHEELS SQUEAKING] {8494}{8550}-Huh?|-We brought your mail. {8572}{8611}Don't you ever knock? {8615}{8682}Who knows what naughty things|I could be watching? {8686}{8792}-I get New Orleans on this thing.|-Don't kill us! {8820}{8934}Santa's a robot. We should be able|to destroy him with a logical paradox. {8938}{9024}Bender, you better cover your ears. {9028}{9113}Holy night! Intruders! {9117}{9166}Hold it, Santa. {9170}{9202}[HUMS] {9206}{9298}Consider this: You are programmed|to destroy the naughty. {9302}{9378}But many of those you destroy|are in fact nice. {9382}{9502}I submit that you are naughty. So,|logically, you must destroy yourself. {9518}{9578}[BUZZING] {9621}{9661}-Yay!|-Yay! {9696}{9837}Nice try, but my head was built with|paradox-absorbing crumple zones. {9842}{9887}[SCREAMING] {9977}{10012}[LASER FIRES] {10159}{10187}[BEEPS] {10372}{10448}Wait! This is what we're running from. {10556}{10587}Faster! Faster! {10600}{10653}[YELLING] {11101}{11162}[ENGINE ROARS] {11174}{11239}-Why aren't we moving?|-I don't know. {11243}{11318}Usually when I do stuff like this|the ship moves. {11400}{11480}Ho, ho-- Huh? {11585}{11625}[GRUNTS] {11688}{11785}-He's trapped.|-Hooray! {11789}{11904}-Now we can make toys again!|-Toys! Toys! Toys! {11908}{11995}And I can deliver them.|Billions and billions in one night. {11999}{12094}-No human could do all that.|-Evel Knievel could. {12098}{12142}-Nuh-uh.|-Santa's right. {12146}{12216}We need some sort of robot. {12249}{12305}Crap! I'm some sort of robot. {12353}{12386}NEPTUNIANS:|Hooray! {12390}{12430}Hooray! {12434}{12488}Hooray! {12592}{12716}Bender can't be Santa. He wasn't|built to Yuletide specifications. {12720}{12836}I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse|either, but that didn't stop me. {12840}{12922}-Bender!|-Bow before your new Santa. {12926}{12970}Our hero! {12982}{13082}We are free and fairly sober|With so many toys to build {13086}{13182}The machines are kind of tricky|Probably someone Will be killed {13192}{13236}But We gladly Work for nothing {13241}{13349}Which is good|Because We don't intend to pay {13364}{13445}The elves are back to Work today|Hooray {13497}{13592}We have just a couple hours|To make several billion gifts {13600}{13701}-And the labor isn't easy|-Then you'll all Work triple shifts {13707}{13855}You can make the job go quicker|If you turn the controls to super speed {13862}{13943}-lt's back to Work on Xmas Eve|-Hooray {13955}{14112}And though you're cold, sore and ugly|Your pride Will mask the pain {14116}{14273}-Let my happy smile Warm your hearts|-There's a toy lodged in my brain {14280}{14372}We are getting aWfully tired|And We can't Work any faster {14376}{14413}We're very, very sorry {14417}{14560}You selfish little bastards|The kids Will think Santa is a jerk {14591}{14668}Then shut your yaps and back to Work {14693}{14786}NoW it's very nearly Xmas|And We've done the best We could {14790}{14862}-These are poorly painted|-And made from inferior Wood {14868}{14949}I should give you all a beating|But I have to fly {14955}{15031}If I Weren't stuck here|I'd harpoon you in the eye {15035}{15120}NoW it's back to our tenements|To droWn ourselves in rye {15125}{15218}You did the best you could|Some of these gorillas are okay {15223}{15256}-Hooray!|-We're adequate! {15261}{15365}The elves have rescued Xmas Day|Hooray {15750}{15824}IN STUPID VOICE: Gee, how are you|gonna get through these bars? {15828}{15894}IN NORMAL VOICE: I don't know, moron.|Suppose I bend them? {15898}{15934}IN STUPID VOICE:|Okay. {15976}{16039}Mommy! Santa's through the perimeter! {16044}{16126}Kids, take your suicide pills|so you won't suffer! {16131}{16255}No, wait! I'm the good Santa.|I've got toys at reasonable prices. {16261}{16348}He's the father of all lies|and the uncle of all tricks! {16353}{16431}-I've come bearing Tri-Ominos.|-Go for the shins! {16467}{16507}Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! {16590}{16628}[GROANS] {16632}{16687}One down.... {16823}{16956}Well, hello there, handsome.|Won't you have a cookie? {16965}{17027}Don't mind if I do. {17031}{17070}What's in these things? {17075}{17147}Why don't you slip into something|more fiery? {17151}{17234}Ow! Whoa! {17238}{17290}Ow! Ah! Ah! {17344}{17395}Ooh. Ow. {17475}{17539}Yo, Kringle,|what happened to you, dog? {17546}{17622}It's awful, Kwanza-Bot.|Everyone hates me. {17635}{17741}At least they understand you.|Nobody's down with this Kwanza tip. {17746}{17851}-Hey, maybe you can lend me a hand.|-No time. {17855}{17914}I gotta hand out the Kwanza book. {17982}{18059}I've been giving these out|for 647 years. {18302}{18402}Bathtub eggnog,|just the way Grandma used to drink. {18427}{18556}-Ew! It went sour!|-Can't I have a scented bath in peace? {18561}{18680}Remember, professor, Bender is Santa.|So we don't need to hurt him, right? {18684}{18764}Yes, yes, yes.|You sound like a broken MP3. {18788}{18819}Ho, ho-- {18844}{18921}Professor, don't you remember|what I told you? {18925}{18964}No! {19095}{19153}There's gotta be a better way. {19263}{19354}Bender, you're a genius. {19361}{19456}This creates|an unrealistic standard of beauty. {19460}{19566}Now it's time for Santa|to screw open his present. {19621}{19677}It's Santa!|We've got him cornered. {19681}{19802}-I smell a juicy promotion for me.|-And a juicy rehiring for me. {19829}{19863}Eh? Wha-- {20013}{20096}This Xmas Day session of court|will come to order. {20100}{20183}Honorable Judge Whitey presiding. {20188}{20321}Santa, you stand accused of crimes|against humanity. How do you plead? {20326}{20415}-Not Santa.|-There he is again! {20431}{20553}Now, Pramala, I know it's scary|in the witness box. {20562}{20615}But there ain't no need to fear me. {20619}{20654}[CLUCKS] {20658}{20727}I'm sorry. I thought you was corn. {20731}{20838}Now, would you please point|at that robot over there? {20843}{20884}[WHISPERING EXCITEDL Y] {20890}{20964}No further questions. {20997}{21028}[CHIRPING] {21032}{21069}Daddy done good, huh? {21075}{21234}-Haven't you been paid to testify?|-You gave me a dollar and some candy. {21241}{21349}Yet you haven't said what I told you|to say. How can we trust you? {21406}{21478}-Quit badgering the witness.|-Badger? Where? {21482}{21521}[CLUCKS] {21551}{21676}Whereas I have a ham dinner|waiting for me at my mansion... {21680}{21720}...I find the defendant guilty. {21725}{21750}[GASPING] {21754}{21892}Santa Claus, I hereby sentence you|to be executed at sundown. {21898}{21923}[GROANS] {21927}{22032}It's not fair. I hope that|dumb chicken is ashamed of himself. {22037}{22114}[CROWS] {22254}{22370}Deactivated robot walking!|Deactivated robot walking here! {22444}{22558}Santa, when you see the robot devil,|tell him I'm coming. {22580}{22651}-That guy said to tell you--|-I heard him. {22895}{22995}Greetings, masters.|My companion and I made lots of toys. {22999}{23100}Out of my way. We're taking Santa|to prove Bender's innocence. {23208}{23306}Do what you will, but we'll see|who has the last ho. {23311}{23371}[GRUNTING] {23390}{23449}-There.|-Oh, no! The ice is melting! {23453}{23534}The factory's pollution|caused a greenhouse effect. {23538}{23609}-That would explain this heat.|-And your shorts. {23614}{23668}Yeah, that would explain it. {24336}{24361}[SANTA GROANS] {24503}{24607}We've got to think of a way to save|Bender, or Xmas will be ruined! {24611}{24658}Especially for Bender. {24740}{24879}Look out, Earth.|I'm dreaming of a red Xmas. {24885}{24933}[SANTA LAUGHS] {25094}{25155}Good old Maggie. {25181}{25285}When I pull the switch, these|electromagnets will tear you apart. {25289}{25407}-A most humane death.|-But that doesn't sound humane! {25412}{25497}It is for the witnesses|because it's not boring. {25582}{25689}When this random-number generator|reaches zero, you'll be executed. {25693}{25733}Oh. {25750}{25875}"Ten. Three. Twelve. Three" again. {25884}{25931}-Stop the execution!|-Leela! {25935}{25975}"Fifteen. Negative eight." {25979}{26076}-I'll prove you've got the wrong Santa.|-I'm Santa Claus! {26080}{26105}[GASPING] {26110}{26192}-What? "Twenty-seven."|-No, I'm Santa Claus. {26197}{26264}-"Six" !|-We're also Santa Claus. {26269}{26316}And I'm his friend, Jesus. {26321}{26415}If you execute him,|you have to execute all of us. {26420}{26517}You people aren't Santa.|You're not even robots. "Ninety-one." {26521}{26640}How dare you lie in front of Jesus!|Hey, "zero" ! {26696}{26732}No! Not the magnet! {26752}{26871}SWing loW|SWeet chariot {26875}{26960}Coming for to carry me home {26967}{26993}SWing loW.... {26998}{27066}-This is horrible.|-But it's not boring. {27108}{27165}SANTA:|Ho, ho, ho. {27301}{27365}My God! The real Santa!|Get him, Jesus! {27371}{27439}I help those who help themselves. {27476}{27554}Santa, you saved my life.|Please don't kill me! {27604}{27734}I'm not here to kill you, Bender.|I need you to help me save Xmas. {27777}{27883}Gee whiz, Santa,|you want me to help you? {27888}{27988}-Don't do it! He's evil!|-I know he is, but I have no choice. {27992}{28152}I'm late. If I don't complete my brutal|rampage, it just wouldn't be Xmas. {28156}{28200}I guess what I'm asking is: {28205}{28302}Bender, won't you join|my slaying tonight? {28307}{28389}Well, 'tis the season. {28831}{28877}[SCREAMING] {28909}{28973}-My hair!|-My wedding cake! {28997}{29043}Let it snow! {29095}{29164}Merry Xmas, kids. {29252}{29280}[SCREAMS] {29413}{29451}This wangs chung. {29456}{29548}After all the good we tried to do,|Xmas turned out rotten. {29552}{29586}-No heat.|-No power. {29590}{29683}Huddled together in fear|like lice in a burning wig. {29688}{29778}Maybe your futuristic Xmas|isn't so rotten after all. {29782}{29862}What are you talking about?|You said it yourself: {29866}{29956}Xmas should bring people together,|not blow them apart. {29961}{30075}Don't you see? Fear has brought us|together. That's the magic of Xmas. {30080}{30110}That's a big crock of-- {30114}{30145}[EXPLODING] {30150}{30189}Hold me! {30368}{30446}On, Trasher! On, Smasher! {30450}{30527}-Kwanza-Bot, where you off to?|-Didn't you hear? {30531}{30616}Chanukah Zombie is having a luau.|You coming? {30621}{30663}Word! {30691}{30837}Here's a small token of my appreciation|for being Santa while I was trapped. {30842}{30896}Ooh-whoo-ooh-ooh. {30900}{30968}Chief, you screwed up.|There's nothing here. {30973}{31061}Oh, it might appear empty|but the message is clear: {31065}{31189}Play Santa again,|and I'll kill you next year! {31317}{31426}Ho, ho, ho! {32414}{32439}Subtitles by|SDI Media Group {32443}{32468}[ENGLISH SDH]