{14}{18}Season 4 - Episode 12 {29}{33}by joke0 & K5 {40}{43}Shatner's log: Airdate: unknown. {43}{45}The impossible has happened. {45}{49}It would take days to recount|the event's I've witnessed. {49}{51}So, settle in. It all began... {51}{55}Quiet you! This court martial is now in session! {55}{58}The honourably sexy Zapp Brannigan residing. {58}{61}Bring in the accused! {63}{64}Oh my! {65}{70}Phillip J. Fry. You stand accused of travelling|to the forbidden planet Omega 3, {70}{73}a crime punishable by 12 concurrent|death sentences. {73}{75}You understand the charges? {75}{78}1 beep for "Yes", 2 beeps for "No", {79}{81}"Yes", so noted. {81}{84}Do you plead guilty? {84}{86}Double "Yes". Guilty! {86}{88}I will now carry out the sentences. {88}{89}- Kif, my gun.|- Wait! {89}{91}He plead not guilty. {91}{93}Order! Order in the court! {94}{95}Very well then Mr Fry. {95}{100}Please recount the events that lead you to be guilty. {106}{108}The Professor said he was taking a brief nap, {108}{110}so we only have time for 6 movies. {110}{113}Lets take these 6 Jim Carrey movies|and record over them. {113}{116}You know what 6 movies average|out to be really good? {116}{119}The first six Star Trek movies! {119}{122}Everybody hit the deck! {122}{124}Those words are forbidden! {124}{127}Quels mots? Star Trek? {127}{129}Shut your gills! {129}{134}That sound! Patrol Car 718! Hide him! {143}{145}The court is intrigued. {145}{147}Perhaps we could hear more about|these forbidden words, {147}{151}from someone with a sexilly seductive voice. {151}{152}With pleasure. {152}{155}You see the show was banned after|the Star Trek wars. {155}{158}You mean after the vast migration of Star Wars fans? {158}{162}No, that was the Star Wars trek. {163}{166}By the 23rd Century Star Trek fandom had evolved... {166}{172}from the loose assosciation of nerds with|skin problems into a full blown religion. {172}{178}«And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon ship|where they would be no Tribble at all.» {178}{181}«All power to the engines.» {181}{184}As country after country fell under its influence, {184}{187}world leaders became threatened by the movement's power. {188}{193}And so the Trekkies were executed in|the manner most befitting virgins. {193}{196}He's dead Jim! {198}{202}Finally, the sacred texts were banned.. {203}{207}The last copies of the 79 episodes and 6 movies {207}{211}were dumped on the forbidden world Omega 3. {211}{215}Along with that blooper reel where the door|doesn't close all the way. {215}{219}Last, Star Trek was forever scoured from human memory. {219}{224}Another classic Science-Fiction show cancelled before its time. {224}{227}I've never heard of such a brutal and shocking {227}{229}injustice that I cared so little about. {229}{230}Next witness! {230}{234}Will Bender the robot please take the stand. {234}{237}She's all yours buddy! {237}{239}I'd only met the defendant Fry once, {239}{242}but I knew he was up to no good. {242}{246}Please use the beeps. {250}{253}Mr Nimoy. I came as soon as I heard|what happened centuries ago. {253}{255}I can't believe your show was banned. {255}{259}I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. {261}{266}You know. 1966, 79 episodes, about 30 good ones. {266}{270}Oh really, I've done too many things|to remember one particular TV series. {271}{273}But if you want to discuss my books of poetry... {273}{277}C'mon! Remember that episode where you go|high on spores and smacked Kirk around? {277}{282}No. Perhaps you're thinking of my one man|show about Vincent van Spock. {282}{284}I mean Van Gogh! Damn! {284}{287}You can't escape it! {287}{291}Oh you're right I can't. {292}{296}Jeez, don't get upset. I mean, OK I outwitted you but... {296}{299}No, it's my fellow cast members. {299}{303}300 years ago they left Earth behind. {306}{310}This planet doesn't appreciate us anymore, Leonard. {310}{314}Bill, you are, and always shall be, my friend. {314}{317}But I just signed a 6 month lease on my apartment. {317}{320}I can't walk away from a commitment like that. {320}{323}Very well my friend. {333}{336}Why did the world turn its back|on our obvious greatness? {336}{339}I'm literally angry with rage! {339}{342}Your co-stars may be gone but we can|still get those episode tapes back {342}{345}for the whole world to see! Come on! {346}{349}Yesss! Front row! {353}{357}You can't go to Omega 3!|It's forbidden, I forbid you! {357}{358}But we have to. {358}{361}The world needs Star Trek to give|people hope for the future. {361}{363}But it's set 800 years in the past! {364}{366}Yeah, why is this so important to you? {366}{368}'cause it, it taught me so much. {368}{374}Like how you should accept people. Whether|they be black, white, Klingon or even female. {374}{380}But most importantly, when I didn't have|any friends...it made me feel like maybe I did. {382}{385}Well, that is touchingly pathetic.|I guess I can't let you go alone. {385}{390}I'll go too. With Leonard's permission of course. {394}{396}We're entering the Omega system. {397}{399}Warning: You are now in forbidden space. {400}{406}Forbidden shmershmidden! What are they gonna|do? Write a letter? I'm so scared! {406}{408}I've lost control of the ship! {425}{426}Dip! {426}{428}Dip indeed! {433}{435}It's all stuff from that forbidden show. {435}{439}So many cardboard sets, so many memories. {439}{442}- If only the others...|- I guess thats my cue. {443}{444}Bill! {444}{445}Eldo! {446}{447}- This is wonderful!|- Oh man. {447}{449}I feel like hugging you. {449}{451}Well I would but you have no body! {451}{454}And we're both men. {454}{460}Nichelle! George! Walter!|DeForest! Welshey! {460}{461}Welshey? {461}{465}We did some musical reunion specials|in the 2200's, {465}{468}but the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodelling. {468}{473}Ever since then, Welshey has been a|welcome participant in our escapades. {475}{478}I can't believe it! How'd you all end up here? {478}{482}We were on our way to Welshey's cousin's|house to stay in the guest room, {482}{486}when our ship was pulled down to this|planet and crashed. Just like yours. {487}{489}When we woke up, we had these bodies. {489}{492}Say it in Russian! {492}{495}Ven ve voke up ve had these wodies. {496}{498}- Now say nuclear wessels!|- No! {498}{501}You'll love it here! Everything is provided for us. {502}{503}And we never age. {503}{505}Check out these abs. {506}{508}But who's doing all this for you? {508}{509}You know we never thought about it. {510}{512}We're famous celebrities we're used|to this sort of treatment. {512}{515}It is I! {516}{518}What a cheesy effect! {518}{521}I am not an effect! You doubt my power? {522}{525}I do! {527}{530}Welsheeeeeeeey!! {541}{545}This court will now hear some very sensual testemony... {545}{548}from this court's ex lover, Turanga Leela. {548}{552}Go [beep] yourself. {552}{559}Behold another power, different|from the one you saw earlier. {560}{564}Hey! A body! Buff, tanned. {564}{566}Yeah, this is mine alright! {566}{568}Alright you gas! What's the deal? {568}{571}Centuries ago, the videotaped adventures... {571}{576}of the Enterprise crew rained down upon my planet. {576}{581}Over and over I watched them.|Especially the 5 with the energy beings. {581}{586}I am Melllvar! Seer of the tapes!|Knower of the episodes! {586}{590}Tremble before my encyclopeadic|knowledge of Star Trek! {590}{594}Tremble? I laugh. No one knows more|about Star Trek than me! {594}{597}I beg to differ. {598}{601}Long have I waited for the one who played Spock. {601}{603}At last, we can begin. {605}{608}Cool! A Star Trek convention! {608}{612}Melllvar can you give us some idea|of how long this is going to last? {612}{614}Until time stops. {614}{615}You can't do this! {616}{618}Now, we have a full schedule of events... {618}{620}Can people who hate Star Trek leave? {620}{621}Good question! {621}{625}No you have to stay even longer. {628}{632}Sign it to Melllvar. Melllvar has three l's. {632}{638}I think I've done enough conventions|to know how to spell "Melllvar". {638}{639}Say "nerd"! {639}{642}Nerd! {642}{647}I'm...Slim Shady. Yes. I'm the real Shady. {647}{650}All you other Slim Shady's...are just imitating. {651}{655}So...won't the real Slim Shady...please stand up... {655}{658}please stand up...please stand up {658}{661}ow can you do a spoken word version of a rap song? {661}{663}He found a way. {663}{665}For one hundred quatloos... {665}{668}Who did the Captain Maroon on Ceti Alpha V? {668}{671}Khaaan! {672}{673}- Khan?|- Correct. {673}{676}My button has broken.|The trivia contest has ended. {676}{678}I now have a surprise. {678}{683}You will perform a fan script, written by the ultimate Trek fan. {683}{685}You have my fan script? {685}{688}I meant me! Melllvar is the ultimate fan! {688}{691}I was confused because the scoreboard|says something different! {691}{695}Trivia contest over! Take your scripts! {695}{697}We have limited rehearsal time. {697}{703}I didn't make enough copies of the script so,|George and Walter will have to share. {703}{708}You probably don't want us to see you|rehearsing or it'll give away the ending. {708}{710}That's right! The ending must not be ruined! {710}{711}We'll go wait in the ship. {711}{712}OK. {712}{716}Not until I get my 600 quatloos. {718}{721}This is wrong. We shouldn't have abandoned them there. {721}{723}I dunno. I'm feeling pretty good about it. {723}{726}I didn't want to leave them either Fry, but|what are we supposed to do? {726}{730}Well, usually on the show, someone would|come up with a complicated plan, {730}{733}then explain it with a simple analogy. {733}{736}If we can reroute engine power|through the primary weapons, and... {736}{739}reconfigure them to Melllvar's frequency... {739}{741}that should overload his|electro-quantum structure.. {741}{744}Like putting too much air in a ballon! {744}{748}Of course! It's so simple! {750}{753}Alas...my ship...whom I love like a woman {753}{757}...is...disabled. Oh Lord! {757}{761}Fascinating, Captain, and logical too.|We need some help. {761}{766}Look, captain. Melllvar will help us. {768}{772}Keptin, I wope he vill help our...vessel. {772}{773}Wessel!! {773}{775}You're not acting hard enough! {775}{778}Melllvar, you have to respect your actors. {778}{779}When I was directing Star Trek IV, {779}{783}I got a magnificent performance out of Bill|because I respected him so much. {783}{787}And when I directed Star Trek V, I got a|magnificent performance out of me... {787}{791}because I respected me so much! {793}{797}OK! I'm done rekafoobling the energy motron. {797}{798}Or, whatever. {798}{801}Fire! {804}{812}My, what a handsome energy|creature you are. I love you. {813}{817}Hey you wrote it! {821}{824}Its not working. He's drawing|straight from our weapons. {824}{829}Like a balloon when...something bad happens. {847}{850}So uh, how's rehearsal going? {850}{854}Lousy. Here I've been admiring|a bunch of actors while you, {854}{858}a crew of genuine space heroes,|risked your lives to save them. {858}{860}Hey! We've done heroic things too! {860}{863}Yeah! In the third season I kissed Shatner! {863}{868}Silence!! My whole world has turned|upside down. I have but one option. {869}{871}- Keep them and let us go?|- No! {871}{874}To determine who is more worthy|of my fanatical devotion... {874}{878}I shall pit you together against|each other in armed combat. {879}{881}To the death!! {881}{883}Where'd you get an idiotic idea like that? {883}{887}Episodes 19, 46, 56 and 77. {887}{891}Great list. Except, you forgot episode 66! {893}{896}I was getting to that one!! {907}{910}So Melllvar ordered a battle to the death. {910}{912}I assume no one survived. {912}{916}Can we get on with this?|My foot's getting tired! {918}{921}This will be a standard battle to the death. {921}{924}The only weapons: whatever you can find. {924}{929}But I warn you: do nothing until|I signal the start of combat! {930}{932}OK start. {939}{942}I don't have much experience of fighting.|Except with you guys. {943}{946}I have an idea. Wasn't there an episode|where I threw my shoe at the enemy? {946}{949}You mean Doohan? {949}{954}Whoever it was, I did it like this. {954}{956}My foot's cold! {957}{960}There. We can make these into spears. {960}{963}And we can tie these caterpillars together|to make bow strings for bows and arrows. {963}{967}And we can use this machine gun to shoot them! {976}{978}That was fun! {979}{982}What if I distract them with my famous fan dance? {982}{986}Oh yes good good good good. And the George,|you give them a karate chop! {986}{991}I find that offensive. Just because|I'm of Japanese ancestry, {991}{994}you assume I know karate. {994}{997}Have I ever lead you to belive I've studied karate? {997}{1001}Well no, but you never talk about yourself. {1001}{1004}Maybe if you showed a little interest. {1004}{1006}Well. Here goes nothing. {1013}{1015}Hello boys! {1025}{1027}There's no right way to hit a woman. {1027}{1031}- Then do it the wrong way.|- Fine. {1032}{1034}Is that all you've got? {1046}{1048}- Come on Walter!|- Take that! {1051}{1052}That hurts! {1052}{1055}Lets see if this actually works! {1059}{1060}My face! {1060}{1062}My face too! {1063}{1065}May I? {1069}{1072}Excellent! Excellent! {1072}{1076}Leela, please. This is exactly what Melllvar wants. {1076}{1079}We're just pawns in his diabolical game of checkers. {1079}{1082}Can't we resolve our differences in some other way? {1083}{1085}Melllvar! Dinnertime! {1085}{1088}But mom! I'm playing with my collectables! {1089}{1092}Now!! {1092}{1096}All this time we thought he|was a powerful superbeing, {1096}{1097}when he was just a child. {1097}{1101}He's not a child, he's 34! {1102}{1106}All right Koenig, I've wanted to do this for years! {1106}{1110}Bender wait! This is our chance to escape,|before Melllvar comes back. {1110}{1114}But we all need to work together. {1119}{1121}We've decided to work together. {1121}{1122}Hmm, so did they. {1122}{1125}Now, how do we escape? {1125}{1129}We can't use our ship. The life support|works but the engines are wrecked. {1129}{1134}Ironic. Because our engines work, but|our life support systems don't. {1134}{1136}Hey, if your engines work... {1136}{1138}...and your life support systems work... {1138}{1140}Stop!! You're just goin' around in circles! {1140}{1144}Think Fry, think! Everyone's depending on you. {1152}{1157}We're too heavy. You guys need|to lose some weight. Fast! {1162}{1166}Look Leonard! We're light enough to|keep the tapes! Isn't that great? {1166}{1170}I'm living in a cafilterfish jar. {1172}{1175}We did it! {1181}{1183}Melllvar's got a spaceship! {1183}{1189}Yes in mint condition. And you made|me take it out of the package! {1194}{1196}The Nimbus! We're saved! {1196}{1200}You're under arrest. Prepare to be boarded. {1201}{1204}So I boarded you then. What happened next? {1204}{1209}You started this stupid court martial.|Now if you don't mind we're still fighting Melllvar! {1220}{1222}One more hit and we're done for!! {1222}{1225}Let's take them out with us. Do you|guys have a self destruct code? {1225}{1229}Like destruct sequence 1A2B3... {1230}{1233}Thanks a lot Takei, now everybody knows! {1233}{1237}If I can't have the original cast|of Star Trek, no one will!! {1238}{1240}- Prepare to die!|- Wait! {1240}{1243}If they mean that much to you,|why do you wanna kill them? {1243}{1247}Because I...I...I dunno what I'd do without them. {1247}{1251}Melllvar, you can't let a TV show be your whole life. {1251}{1253}You can do anything you want.|Look at Walter Koenig. {1254}{1256}After Star Trek, he became an actor! {1256}{1258}Not just an actor, but a well rounded person. {1259}{1262}With my own friends, credit cards, keys. {1262}{1266}Well I guess I could move out of my parents' basement... {1266}{1267}maybe get a temp job. {1268}{1269}One step at a time. {1269}{1272}I thank you Fry. You know, {1272}{1278}you and I are of a kind. In a different|reality I could have called you "friend". {1278}{1281}Episode 10, "Balance of Terror". {1281}{1287}More like episode 9, loser! In your face!|Victory is mine! {1289}{1294}I wonder my friends, was he really|such an evil energy gas? {1294}{1296}He did give us eternal youth. {1296}{1298}24 hour laundromat. {1298}{1302}A full assortment of rum both spiced and regular. {1302}{1305}Truly, he was a paradise. {1305}{1310}And all you had to put up with was|one really annoying Star Trek fan. {1310}{1314}Let's get the hell outta here! {1316}{1322}Synchro: K5 & joke0|[KittensGiveGas@caramail.com] {1323}{1325}Script: dave|[http://www.geocities.com/theneutralplanet] {1326}{1328}June 08th, 2003 - v2